Thursday, December 17, 2020

What Does That Mean?

 

I recall the astonishment when, as a student exploring a career in mental health, I entered counseling and was asked about a certain (now forgotten) topic: “What does that mean to you?”  It was so clear to me.  How could it not have been clear to him?  I believe myself reasonably articulate, so I couldn’t imagine what was not clear about what I had said.  I perceived a brashness in the question that caught me off guard to the point of offense.  I believed myself to have been quite precise.  Over time I’m not so sure I was. 

The question of "meaning" has stuck with me.  Finding meaning is, after all, a fundamental function of our higher brain.  It’s high on Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, not a primitive “shelter” function.  It drives us and pushes us.  It’s integral to our marriages and families.  Viktor Frankel’s seminal work Man’s Search for Meaning compels us towards understanding what things mean.  We are obligated to strive to define meaning, but it’s not always as clear as our first draft may appear. 

That search pushes us in a variety of ways, all of which I believe are healthy.  Whatever we might be talking about, whatever is on our mind may be the thing which we are attempting to clarify.  Once we do so, we might want to share with our spouse, our kids and friends the new awareness we have found.  Sharing what has meaning to us increases attachment between us and our loved ones.  And if we fear what we find, that means something too – probably something quite important.

The essence, I believe, of understanding what things mean to us is the demand it creates to articulate our beliefs, thoughts, and feelings.  That use of language, the crafting of our thoughts and emotions into words serves a critical function for us.  Language holds the ability to convey ideas with impact, strength, nuance, clarity and conviction to ourselves as well as to our intimates.  Thus, when you consider what things mean to you, it’s worth taking a moment to find the right words.  You’re not pouring concrete - you’re not married to the words.  Meaning is a lifelong evolution.  Use your friends or spouse to bounce the ideas off of.  Listen to their questions and comments.  Craft your message.  Ponder it.  Think about it.  It will mean a lot. 

 

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