Role Models

Some folks are just born to do this stuff - I mean the parent stuff.  I recently met with a teenager with developmental disabilities and the father.  The teen had gotten in "trouble" at school (I use quotes as this is one of the times that I think the "trouble" the child got into was due to the school's cutting corners in addressing the child's needs) and the father impressed me.  He really impressed me.

The father's demeanor was simple.  He was an adult.  No shaming "you should have known better" statements (though there might have been room for such a comment.)  No angry outbursts (though the child's behaviors did result in an ER visit which was more noteworthy for the inconvenience - and parental concern than his medical condition, the child was fine.) No sarcasm.  No exasperation on dad's part.  Just pure, thoughtful and calm "adult."  Dad discussed, he reflected, he commented, he listened.  He maintained a calm voice and demeanor.  Dad knew who his audience was and spoke accordingly.  The result?  The teen listened.  Now I (and I dare say the parents) don't think this will be the last jam this teen gets into.  But the teen was not turned off, shamed or embarrassed.  The respect given was critical to maintaining the relationship between parent and child.  

I've seen these parents  before and it's so refreshing.  And this is hard to accomplish given the challenges that kids with autism and other DD's can present.  They're tough kids sometimes.  Some are tough most all of the time with challenging behaviors, oppositionality, impulsivity, etc etc etc.  Yet even with these challenges, the task of the parent is to remain an adult.  As has often been said, there is no scene more silly than that of a parent arguing with a child at the child's level.  That's just two kids arguing - and who wins that one? The child of course.

I learned a lot from this dad.  There are lots of moms and dads (not to mention grandparents who are stepping in for moms and dads) who really do well at maintaining their "adult" sensibilities in the midst of what can be chaos.  

For the rest of us....find these folks.  Study them.  Learn from them.  That's what I do.     

Blended Families

The frequency of "blending" new families is high given our divorce rate.  Divorced people understandably want companionship and seek to re-partner with another.  After all, we are made to be companions with others - otherwise we'd all be living in caves and reproducing with spores.

When adults remarry they bring their children with them, obviously.  What's less obvious is the challenge of blending children and adults of different families together - particularly when one of the kids has a developmental difference or challenge.

The standard element in blending is the ability to form a bond.  I recall a friend of mine who worked in a cosmetic factory sharing his amazement at how they were able to mix oil and water to form a cream that didn't separate.  This is only done through chemical bonding.  Is bonding between people so much different?  We create deep, physiological bonds with one another when we marry.  Couples become "one flesh" to quote the Bible.  Infants are known to literally smell their mothers.  This is bonding.  So how do we bond with a child who is not of our making?  How does the child bond with us?

The process of "bonding" in blended families is a noble goal which is often attainable with a lot of work by all the parties involved.  And yet.....some of our kids are hard. They're hard behaviorally, emotionally, and sometimes even physically (I'll leave that to your imagination.)  So I've come to believe that some of our families can be mixed, or joined, or combined, but I'm not as sure as I once was that "blending" is going to happen.  And I think that's OK.  Accepting the reality of what is allows us to live in the present, with all the love and hopes in our heart that any other family member has. But falling short of the holy grail of "blending" is acceptable.  It is not a failure of effort or love or commitment.  It need not  be a sign of marital discord.  It might just be a sign that the needs of one of the members of the family present an unusual challenge which are not well designed for "blending."
I've come to believe that mixing, combining or joining can be just as beautiful.

So, for blended families, keep the goal of "blending" in your sights, just remember that the challenges to blending don't make what you have a failure.