It's been a week where I've seen a number of strong parents, some of whom I've known for years, some who I've just met. Just thought I'd share some vignettes. As always, materiel changes to identifying data have been made to protect confidentiality.
I've known one mom on and off for a while. She has a 9 year old boy on the spectrum who has a lot of strengths, but the oft found challenges of rigidity, difficulty transitioning and difficulty when the plan he anticipates changes. He struggles with anxiety for which he receives medications that help some. His younger sister, 8, is NT (neuro-typical) and while they've never discussed "autism" or "Asperger's" or "spectrum" outright, they have broadly discussed "differences" that people have. Mom, to her great credit, has been "seeding" the family environment with kid friendly books about developmental differences, working to normalize her son's experience for him as well as for his sister. She's also done a great job with "narrative" stories she's found. For example, a story about the kid who was unable to comfortably speak with strangers (no coincidence this is one of her son's challenges.) The story tells of a child who struggles with this, and who gradually learns that his anxiety about speaking to strangers is able to be surmounted. Her son's begun, like the boy in the story, to speak more comfortably to strangers. Mom's job is flexible. She has the time to investigate, research and advocate for her son and has done so admirably.
Another couple came to me recently with their son who's on the spectrum and also has borderline cognitive functioning. They were well aware of the impact and limitations of both diagnoses. They have been most diligent in following up with recommendations, particularly after their son said - let's call them unwise things - at school when he became angry. They jumped way out ahead of the curve understanding that such statements can be misinterpreted, particularly in the "small world" environment in which we now live. They understand that threatening talk of any kind has been seen as preceding horrific behaviors and though there are no indications of this child's potential for violence, they are being most proactive in searching for solutions. They quickly follow up on recommendations and have a very good comprehension of their child's needs.
One single mom I've known for years always impresses me. She has a full time job that isn't particularly challenging or fulfilling, but allows her the flexibility to be there for her son with autism. She plans ahead - not in an anxious way (professionals who work with challenged populations are quite familiar with the questions about "will he/she be able to get married, have children, live independently when the child's ages is still in single digits. I understand the anxiety the absorption of the implications of the diagnoses has....) She plans, for example, for spend the night company. "What kinds of things do you think your friend might like to know when spending the night in a new home?" Then she suggests that her son give a house tour to the guest. She suggests her son inquire of the guest about food preferences. Suggestions about how to be a host and allow the guest to pick out the game to be played on the x-box among many other suggestions. All of this led to, no surprise, a very successful sleepover.
These may seem like simple, obvious examples of parent strength, but having seen lots of parents who struggle mightily with the stress of raising kids on and off the spectrum, it's nice to see.
Friday, February 20, 2015
Monday, February 9, 2015
Fatigue Redux or "Follow Through" Lessons from Golf
As in all of my postings, materiel changes have been made to fictionalize the description of the person and circumstances for reasons of confidentiality.
In one of my posts about 2 1/2 years ago I discussed parent fatigue. It again comes to mind in the wake of a meeting I had recently with a great young lady, we'll call her Judy, who's about to graduate High School. Judy's a smart young lady. She's applied to and been accepted to some good colleges and has a very balanced view of the world. She doesn't date much, believing that dating's something that can be a pretty serious thing, and can lead to pretty serious things, so despite the overtures from her peers, she's keeping her social activities social, not intimate.
Among the issues Judy's struggling with as she stands on the threshold of her next chapter of life is her relationship with her mother. Mom's divorced and dad lives out of town. Mom doesn't make a lot of money - she may be underemployed, and maybe drinking too much (I've not met mom so all I can do is speculate from what Judy has observed) and often seeks out her daughter - and only child - for support. Lots of support. Mom asks Judy to help her at odd hours with chores (mom's job involves odd hours). Mom proposed to Judy going into business together to pursue an idea mom had for income. Judy demurred (quite properly, in my view.) Mom opines that Judy doesn't confide in her any more, as Judy is involved with her friends, studies, a job and the potential for an exciting future. Judy is torn between following her own life and dreams and the emotional responsibility she feels for her mom's well being.
What brought things into focus for Judy was her recent illness with one of the seasonal crud viruses that is going around. She stayed home from school and after a couple of days in bed dragged herself to the kitchen for something to eat after finally regaining her appetite . She found little in the cupboard, as usual. While mom's underemployed, she's not poor and certainly has the means to provide the basics in shelter and food. Mom no longer keeps the kitchen well stocked for a teenager.When Judy's feeling well, she'll fend for herself with whatever's in the kitchen, or use monies she gets from dad to augment the lack of food in the home. Sometimes she'll eat at the restaurant where she works, or at friends' homes. But this day, after being sick, she acutely felt the absence of mom's attention.
What Judy is coming to see is that mom's needs for Judy's attention are about mom's needs, not Judy's needs. What Judy needed that day was, in my ethnic language, a pot of chicken soup simmering on the stove or whatever the equivalent is for suburban Atlanta. (Trust me, an appetizing pot of chicken soup is an amazingly easy thing to make.) Judy reflected that when visiting her dad, also not married, there's always food available for her. She longs to live with him, but he lives out of state and she has 3 months until she graduates high school.
So what's going on here? Probably a lot, but all I know is what Judy tells me. At the very least, we have a mom who's struggling with her role of "follow through." I learned about follow through when taking golf lessons (I'm a terrible golfer.) I was taught that after hitting the ball my belt buckle should be facing where I wanted the ball to go. And boy was that good advice (but I'm still a terrible golfer.) For Judy's mom, follow through has to do with keeping the parenting hat firmly fastened on her head at least until she goes to college. Yes, that means a full fridge and some TLC when Judy's sick. It also means being there for Judy, not having Judy being there for mom. I have no other conclusions about Judy's mom, but have to wonder if the alcohol use is an issue that needs to be addressed - it could be key. But I can't address that, Judy's mom is not my client. And never having met mom, I'm in no position to draw conclusions. Judy's drawing plenty of them, however.
In one of my posts about 2 1/2 years ago I discussed parent fatigue. It again comes to mind in the wake of a meeting I had recently with a great young lady, we'll call her Judy, who's about to graduate High School. Judy's a smart young lady. She's applied to and been accepted to some good colleges and has a very balanced view of the world. She doesn't date much, believing that dating's something that can be a pretty serious thing, and can lead to pretty serious things, so despite the overtures from her peers, she's keeping her social activities social, not intimate.
Among the issues Judy's struggling with as she stands on the threshold of her next chapter of life is her relationship with her mother. Mom's divorced and dad lives out of town. Mom doesn't make a lot of money - she may be underemployed, and maybe drinking too much (I've not met mom so all I can do is speculate from what Judy has observed) and often seeks out her daughter - and only child - for support. Lots of support. Mom asks Judy to help her at odd hours with chores (mom's job involves odd hours). Mom proposed to Judy going into business together to pursue an idea mom had for income. Judy demurred (quite properly, in my view.) Mom opines that Judy doesn't confide in her any more, as Judy is involved with her friends, studies, a job and the potential for an exciting future. Judy is torn between following her own life and dreams and the emotional responsibility she feels for her mom's well being.
What brought things into focus for Judy was her recent illness with one of the seasonal crud viruses that is going around. She stayed home from school and after a couple of days in bed dragged herself to the kitchen for something to eat after finally regaining her appetite . She found little in the cupboard, as usual. While mom's underemployed, she's not poor and certainly has the means to provide the basics in shelter and food. Mom no longer keeps the kitchen well stocked for a teenager.When Judy's feeling well, she'll fend for herself with whatever's in the kitchen, or use monies she gets from dad to augment the lack of food in the home. Sometimes she'll eat at the restaurant where she works, or at friends' homes. But this day, after being sick, she acutely felt the absence of mom's attention.
What Judy is coming to see is that mom's needs for Judy's attention are about mom's needs, not Judy's needs. What Judy needed that day was, in my ethnic language, a pot of chicken soup simmering on the stove or whatever the equivalent is for suburban Atlanta. (Trust me, an appetizing pot of chicken soup is an amazingly easy thing to make.) Judy reflected that when visiting her dad, also not married, there's always food available for her. She longs to live with him, but he lives out of state and she has 3 months until she graduates high school.
So what's going on here? Probably a lot, but all I know is what Judy tells me. At the very least, we have a mom who's struggling with her role of "follow through." I learned about follow through when taking golf lessons (I'm a terrible golfer.) I was taught that after hitting the ball my belt buckle should be facing where I wanted the ball to go. And boy was that good advice (but I'm still a terrible golfer.) For Judy's mom, follow through has to do with keeping the parenting hat firmly fastened on her head at least until she goes to college. Yes, that means a full fridge and some TLC when Judy's sick. It also means being there for Judy, not having Judy being there for mom. I have no other conclusions about Judy's mom, but have to wonder if the alcohol use is an issue that needs to be addressed - it could be key. But I can't address that, Judy's mom is not my client. And never having met mom, I'm in no position to draw conclusions. Judy's drawing plenty of them, however.
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