We don't have a TV in our home. We did, but given work schedules and our viewing preferences, we canceled it and saved the money. Netflix gives me all I need. So I'm generally immune from the advertising that rules the airwaves. Until I travel.
So recently when I was at a conference I tuned it, caught up on World Cup play, which is thankfully commercial free, and then tuned in to a "world premiere" of a show I had seen advertised - at a movie no less. It had all the compelling aspects of shows I like. Action, military, science etc. The cost of watching it was re-entry into the world of commercial expectations. Boy do we have expectations.
In one car commercial, sequences of horribly damaged cars were accompanied by the statement "They lived." Wow. So now, regardless of how horribly I crash, I should have the expectation of living through it. And another commercial, also for a car, I learned that no matter how distracted I am, my car can and should correct for my mistakes. Veer too much from my lane, it informs me. Approach a vehicle in front of me too fast, it brakes for me.
Now I'm not opposed to smart(er) cars, just like I'm not opposed to smart(er) phones or computers. I am concerned that expectations of our own responsibility is being shaped to decrease our sense of self and relationship with the world.
Interestingly, I read an article recently about divorces in later life, after 20+ years of marriage. One of the professionals interviewed opined that the increase in divorce of this population is due to the increased frequency of people's expectations being raised about how much they deserve, how much they "should" get from life. This seems to be a (natural?) expansion of the selling of sex that has accompanied advertising for at 150 years. Google "Pearl Tobacco" if you need proof. I don't think even then that anyone would have actually thought that smoking a Pearl would cause naked women to approach. But the claims seem to have gone so much further now. Horrible auto crashes should be, not could be survived. Irresponsible driving should be intercepted by our machines. We don't need to be responsible any more.
I hope I'm not the only one who has a problem with that line of thinking.
Monday, June 23, 2014
Monday, June 9, 2014
Mom Gets a Sticker or Teaching Johnny to Swim.
So much of the work that I do with kids is centered on parents. A recent case in point is a mom of a precocious 1st grade boy who had been nervous about learning new things like learning how to swim, hesitance to learn to ride a bike, even spending time with other kids his age.
He was a cute kid, precocious, as I said, easily engaged in talk and play. Grades were good, behavior was OK. So.....what about that anxiety?
Well, as family therapists are wont to do, I began to explore the family of origin. Mom admitted that she was raised under a specter of "danger." Everything had a dangerous side to it. Really dangerous. This sense of danger was reinforced by a tragic nonfatal accident that one of her father's nephews had suffered as a young adult. Thus grandpa held his breath whenever this little boy did...well...just about anything. And of course grandpa lived close, transmitting his anxiety in a potent and frequent way to both his daughter and grandson. And of course mom felt great responsibility to not heighten her father's anxiety. So, it follows that mom held her breath - loudly -whenever her little boy attempted to do those things that are normal for little boys to do. He learned, in turn, to hesitate a bit, in deference to his mother's anxiety on behalf of her father. You get the picture. Thus, we have a recipe for a child with anxiety. Kind of.
I recall so clearly that at the end of the first meeting mom anxiously sat forward on her seat and asked, tears forming and beginning to roll down her cheek, if there was "hope" for her beloved son. I wasn't sure what she really meant. Sure there was hope, I responded, curious why she was so concerned. The tears of relief flowed as I used one of my favorite lines: "I'm not going to lose sleep about you or your son this weekend." I did not predict horrible things in the life of her son. (As if we have crystal balls through which we can predict all coming events!)
Mom quickly came to understand the dilemma she created in transferring anxiety "down the generational line" from her father to her to her son. The solution was pretty straightforward, as mom now admits. The first thing mom agreed to do was to check her own anxiety at the door. Family therapy theory discusses pushing the dysfunction "up" the generational ladder. She, not her father was the parent of this boy. She knows kids need to learn how to swim, bike etc. despite her father's trauma with his nephew. But how to reverse the tide? The answer was a simple behavioral intervention - understanding what was "reinforcing" to her son.
She said she'd tried lots of rewards to motivate him to participate in activities about which she had been giving big mixed messages. She signed him up for swim lessons, and he, in perfect form, cried about swimming. He had a bike, but was afraid to learn to ride it. Motivations? Stickers failed. Food (often a dangerous reinforcement, but not universally) was not a first choice as her son was already large for his age. So I asked him - what would HE like to get if he participated in the upcoming swim lessons He drew a blank. It's better if kids of almost any age come up with their own reinforcement when trying to get them to participate in something. This was about developing or increasing a new behavior, not inhibiting a "maladaptive" behavior. But when a child is a bit on the shy side, I'll toss out some of the tried and true options.
So I went fishing - it didn't take long. Stickers were out, TV and video games were appropriately limited by mom, so I was hesitant to go there. Food? Nope. Going to the pool is a great reinforcement for some kids, but not this one, not yet. Extra "play dates" with peers can be a good draw, but this boy has a record of being a bit shy. How about staying up a bit late after participating in the swim lesson? His eyes lit up. Bingo.
Mom was game, and in 2 weeks the report was perfect. He not only had participated in the swim lesson but was now swimming on his own, head in the water and on those days he did so, mom or dad stayed up with him an extra half hour - an easy accommodation during summer break. The reinforcement combined two most powerful reinforcers: staying up late, a sign of maturity, growth and responsibility, and parent attention during that extra half hour. Parents were aware that they needed to begin to wean the "reinforcement" pretty quickly which they had spontaneously begun to do - once he was swimming. We discussed that "reinforcements" are establishing an economic model. Now as my son the economist will tell you, I know diddly about economics. But I know enough to know that parents are the rulers of economics with children. Reinforcements can be established, changed or cancelled, as the situation demanded. These parents understood that there is no need to waste a working reinforcement when a behavioral goal (swimming) is established. Save it for other goals. Mom continues to be aware that the anxiety specter loomed, but was working hard at keeping her goal on the child's needs, not her father's anxiety. That'll be a work in progress that we can address as needed.
Mom's still nervous about her dad's anxiety, but is giving a strong signal to her son of what is of real value. The bike's next. The shyness? Who knows where that will end up? Mom? She got a sticker and her son didn't even want one.
He was a cute kid, precocious, as I said, easily engaged in talk and play. Grades were good, behavior was OK. So.....what about that anxiety?
Well, as family therapists are wont to do, I began to explore the family of origin. Mom admitted that she was raised under a specter of "danger." Everything had a dangerous side to it. Really dangerous. This sense of danger was reinforced by a tragic nonfatal accident that one of her father's nephews had suffered as a young adult. Thus grandpa held his breath whenever this little boy did...well...just about anything. And of course grandpa lived close, transmitting his anxiety in a potent and frequent way to both his daughter and grandson. And of course mom felt great responsibility to not heighten her father's anxiety. So, it follows that mom held her breath - loudly -whenever her little boy attempted to do those things that are normal for little boys to do. He learned, in turn, to hesitate a bit, in deference to his mother's anxiety on behalf of her father. You get the picture. Thus, we have a recipe for a child with anxiety. Kind of.
I recall so clearly that at the end of the first meeting mom anxiously sat forward on her seat and asked, tears forming and beginning to roll down her cheek, if there was "hope" for her beloved son. I wasn't sure what she really meant. Sure there was hope, I responded, curious why she was so concerned. The tears of relief flowed as I used one of my favorite lines: "I'm not going to lose sleep about you or your son this weekend." I did not predict horrible things in the life of her son. (As if we have crystal balls through which we can predict all coming events!)
Mom quickly came to understand the dilemma she created in transferring anxiety "down the generational line" from her father to her to her son. The solution was pretty straightforward, as mom now admits. The first thing mom agreed to do was to check her own anxiety at the door. Family therapy theory discusses pushing the dysfunction "up" the generational ladder. She, not her father was the parent of this boy. She knows kids need to learn how to swim, bike etc. despite her father's trauma with his nephew. But how to reverse the tide? The answer was a simple behavioral intervention - understanding what was "reinforcing" to her son.
She said she'd tried lots of rewards to motivate him to participate in activities about which she had been giving big mixed messages. She signed him up for swim lessons, and he, in perfect form, cried about swimming. He had a bike, but was afraid to learn to ride it. Motivations? Stickers failed. Food (often a dangerous reinforcement, but not universally) was not a first choice as her son was already large for his age. So I asked him - what would HE like to get if he participated in the upcoming swim lessons He drew a blank. It's better if kids of almost any age come up with their own reinforcement when trying to get them to participate in something. This was about developing or increasing a new behavior, not inhibiting a "maladaptive" behavior. But when a child is a bit on the shy side, I'll toss out some of the tried and true options.
So I went fishing - it didn't take long. Stickers were out, TV and video games were appropriately limited by mom, so I was hesitant to go there. Food? Nope. Going to the pool is a great reinforcement for some kids, but not this one, not yet. Extra "play dates" with peers can be a good draw, but this boy has a record of being a bit shy. How about staying up a bit late after participating in the swim lesson? His eyes lit up. Bingo.
Mom was game, and in 2 weeks the report was perfect. He not only had participated in the swim lesson but was now swimming on his own, head in the water and on those days he did so, mom or dad stayed up with him an extra half hour - an easy accommodation during summer break. The reinforcement combined two most powerful reinforcers: staying up late, a sign of maturity, growth and responsibility, and parent attention during that extra half hour. Parents were aware that they needed to begin to wean the "reinforcement" pretty quickly which they had spontaneously begun to do - once he was swimming. We discussed that "reinforcements" are establishing an economic model. Now as my son the economist will tell you, I know diddly about economics. But I know enough to know that parents are the rulers of economics with children. Reinforcements can be established, changed or cancelled, as the situation demanded. These parents understood that there is no need to waste a working reinforcement when a behavioral goal (swimming) is established. Save it for other goals. Mom continues to be aware that the anxiety specter loomed, but was working hard at keeping her goal on the child's needs, not her father's anxiety. That'll be a work in progress that we can address as needed.
Mom's still nervous about her dad's anxiety, but is giving a strong signal to her son of what is of real value. The bike's next. The shyness? Who knows where that will end up? Mom? She got a sticker and her son didn't even want one.
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