Whether a child has special needs or not - the issue of negotiations is a standard issue between children and parents. We want our children to advocate for themselves and have a voice, we want them to articulate and we want them to learn that if they do things they get things - also known as the "if...then" principle. "If" you do this, "then" you get that.
All of this is normal and appropriate. What we don't want is for them to get things before they do things. That's terrorism. It's terrorism (if you'll indulge the hyperbole) because if you get what you want without doing the work, the incentive to do the work is gone. Once that happens, parents lose their authority and kids KNOW when this is the case and it so often ends bad. It ends bad because a pattern develops, the dynamic repeated. And even if the dynamic isn't repeated every time, if it is repeated intermittently, it's enough to keep the child on his or her toes that "maybe this time" I'll be able to get what I want before I do the work and encourages more terrorism - let me do X and then I'll do Y.
Capitolism, on the other hand, is being paid for the job AFTER it's done. This is, admittedly, the old fashioned way, but just like lots of old fashioned things, it works. It works because, as we all know, it teaches that we have to EARN our rewards. Tried and true. The American Way.
Too often parents play catch up after negotiating with terror and realize it way too late. Thus, making sure we have good "parenting hygiene" is important. I'm allocating the phrase parental hygiene from other sources, but the point is that consistency, having a routine planned way of conducting ones parenting methodology and, hardest of all, making sure your partner and you have similar rules and styles of parenting. This is important not only for the parents, but for the kids who, after all, need - thrive - on consistency.
As the parent, you have permission to take charge. No regrets needed. And remember - cleaning up your parenting act - the sooner the better - will help everyone!
