What Does That Mean?

 

I recall the astonishment when, as a student exploring a career in mental health, I entered counseling and was asked about a certain (now forgotten) topic: “What does that mean to you?”  It was so clear to me.  How could it not have been clear to him?  I believe myself reasonably articulate, so I couldn’t imagine what was not clear about what I had said.  I perceived a brashness in the question that caught me off guard to the point of offense.  I believed myself to have been quite precise.  Over time I’m not so sure I was. 

The question of "meaning" has stuck with me.  Finding meaning is, after all, a fundamental function of our higher brain.  It’s high on Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, not a primitive “shelter” function.  It drives us and pushes us.  It’s integral to our marriages and families.  Viktor Frankel’s seminal work Man’s Search for Meaning compels us towards understanding what things mean.  We are obligated to strive to define meaning, but it’s not always as clear as our first draft may appear. 

That search pushes us in a variety of ways, all of which I believe are healthy.  Whatever we might be talking about, whatever is on our mind may be the thing which we are attempting to clarify.  Once we do so, we might want to share with our spouse, our kids and friends the new awareness we have found.  Sharing what has meaning to us increases attachment between us and our loved ones.  And if we fear what we find, that means something too – probably something quite important.

The essence, I believe, of understanding what things mean to us is the demand it creates to articulate our beliefs, thoughts, and feelings.  That use of language, the crafting of our thoughts and emotions into words serves a critical function for us.  Language holds the ability to convey ideas with impact, strength, nuance, clarity and conviction to ourselves as well as to our intimates.  Thus, when you consider what things mean to you, it’s worth taking a moment to find the right words.  You’re not pouring concrete - you’re not married to the words.  Meaning is a lifelong evolution.  Use your friends or spouse to bounce the ideas off of.  Listen to their questions and comments.  Craft your message.  Ponder it.  Think about it.  It will mean a lot. 

 

The Unexamined Family of Origin

 

A colleague of mine posted in her office: “Parenting doesn’t come naturally.  What comes naturally you learned from your parents.  It takes work to do it differently.”  Most adults reach a point where they can objectively critique their parents’ style of parenting as well as their marital dynamics.  Socrates criticized “The unexamined life…”  We also have an obligation to examine the dynamics of our families of origin.  It is crucial for us to understand our patterns of communication and how they may reflect the imprint we received from our parents.  Without such examination, we can unknowingly influence the nature of our marriages and how we shape our children. 

How well did our parents communicate with one another?  How did they cope with the stresses, large and small, that life brings?  How did they negotiate parenting responsibilities or children’s challenging behaviors?     How did they cope with emotions?  And most importantly, how did they resolve conflict?  Solid research shows that parental stress effects the welfare and mental health of children – a particularly important point during this period of COVID causing all of us increased stress.   

Parent modeling can influence for the lifetime of the child and may be passed down for generations.  It is the source of the phrase “generational patterns of_______.”   Fill in the blank with words like “abuse,” or “addiction,” “emotional distance.” Contrast that with works like “scholarship,” “leadership,” or “kindness.”  

When parents lack the skill to reach a healthy and lasting resolutions in life, children know.  Children are sponges absorbing how happy parents are by something as benign as how parents ask one another to pass the salt.  And don’t think it’s all about volume.  Quiet resentments can be just as damaging - beware the chimera of silent anger as much as explosive anger.  The goal is to find true resolution of differences and mindful ways of conduct with spouses and children that ultimately leads to greater intimacy and thus, greater joy.