Thursday, June 27, 2013

What We Really Mean

I've been working with a lovely couple on long lingering marital issues and happened upon a scenario that I've been seeing a lot of lately.  One spouse  (in this case the husband) makes what appears to be a controlling request, one that seems a bit micro-manage-ish that results in the partner (in this case the wife) building up lots of resentments due to the very great efforts made by her behalf of the couple and family.  Being ignored, he resents her back and thus the cycle builds upon itself becoming ever more sticky.

It took a while, but ultimately we came to understand what the husband was really asking.  His complaints were not as much about his semi-superficial request as much as it was a request for her to acknowledge and validate his own efforts, struggles and successes made on behalf of the family.  Not really an unreasonable request.

How often is it that in the communication between couples we don't or can't take the time to understand what we're really asking, what we really mean when we make requests?  And how often do we seek to understand the deeper meaning of our partner when they make a request that we find to be unnecessary or even silly?

It can be a difficult communication exercise, whether with ourselves or with our partner, but one that is well worth it and that can bypass lots of resentments.  Remember, resentments can have a cancer like affect on relationships - just ask any recovering alcoholic or addict about how destructive resentments can be - they're the experts on this because failure for an addict or alcoholic in recovery so often leads to relapse.  That's how pernicious resentments are.  If a bit of time - even a lot of time can avoid such a destructive influence, isn't it worth it?

Monday, June 3, 2013

Cutting Tomatoes with a Sharp Knife

We've all done it, hoping the knife is sharp enough to give us nice thin pretty slices of tomato - and then we find out that it wasn't as sharp as we hoped and our tomato has been torn up and hacked into slices that are barely recognizable as food. 

I recently used that metaphor with a mom who was struggling with how to motivate (or consequence) her son who's "on the (autism) spectrum" re: his inappropriate, sometimes rude, other times oppositional verbalizations.  I said that I didn't think I could offer her any suggestions she hadn't already used - he's in his teens, so she had years of practice - as has he.  As a single mom who's a successful executive, she has lots of experience in motivating subordinates and understands that positive motivation is overwhelmingly more successful than consequences.  And yet her ability to motivate her son was less than, uh, sharp. 

So we reviewed some of the patterns she and her son have fallen into such as:
  • her responding to his inappropriate and oppositional verbalizations, despite his lack of inappropriate/oppositional behavior.
  • his inability, sometimes, to sit through church Sunday morning without disrupting the congregation
  • his poor management of his personal hygiene (how well he brushes his teeth, how well he bathes himself etc.) 
Her responses to these very common challenges have been varied, as so often happens with parents of kids with any kind of behavioral challenge (whether they have autism spectrum disorders or not.)  She's tried positive reinforcement.  She's tried consequences.  She's tried fussing at him, ignoring him, even, I suspect, corporal punishment, all without lasting effect. 

We reviewed some of the basic lessons of behavioral management of kids, particularly kids on the spectrum.  The primary lesson is to keep it positive as much as possible - focus on reinforcing the appropriate behaviors before going to consequences.  For many reasons, beyond the scope of this entry, it is proven by behavioral science to be much more effective than using consequences - counter intuitive as that might seem (see below).  Thus, we discussed reinforcing him in church by having him taken out of the service early, before he misbehaves, and give him his preferred reinforcement (not surprisingly, electronic games.)  This way he is rewarded for what he has accomplished instead of pushing him beyond what he's able to do.  As he becomes accommodated to the regular reinforcement, it increases the likelihood that he'll behave better in church and the time he can sit without disruption will be able to be extended - slowly and deliberately - to the full length of the service. 

Now this mom has used such methods in the past, of course.  But she had not been using them in a way that kept the reinforcement "fresh" ("salient" is the word used in the professional literature) by making sure the reinforcement is actually preferred by him.  She also admits she's been inconsistent in utilizing positive reinforcement. 

These inconsistencies all "dull the knife" that we use to "slice the tomato" of creating an environment that is most likely to obtain behavioral compliance from kids.  I always recommend to folks to be very mindful of how they are using their language to "keep it positive."  Remember the management consultants who encourage managers to "catch them doing something right?"  The same is true for kids whether they have DD's or not.  Keep it positive when they're doing it "right" - especially when they don't seem to need it.  (See my past posting on "No News is Good News Parenting.")  When they're misbehaving, it is the parents' action, not the words that count.  If the child's doing something inappropriate, correct it with a minimal amount of discussion.  Avoid "Blah Blah Blah" parenting (think Charlie Brown's teacher who is represented in the cartoons by a trumpet's "wah wah.)  Keep the negative comments to a minimum.  There's plenty of time to discuss "proper behavior" later when you (the parent) are not so angry and when your child's less on the defensive. 

Focus on the positive.  Keep your parenting "knife" good and sharp.