A colleague
of mine posted in her office: “Parenting doesn’t come naturally. What comes naturally you learned from your
parents. It takes work to do it
differently.” Most adults reach a
point where they can objectively critique their parents’ style of parenting as
well as their marital dynamics. Socrates
criticized “The unexamined life…” We
also have an obligation to examine the dynamics of our families of origin. It is crucial for us to understand our
patterns of communication and how they may reflect the imprint we received from
our parents. Without such examination,
we can unknowingly influence the nature of our marriages and how we shape our
children.
How well did
our parents communicate with one another?
How did they cope with the stresses, large and small, that life
brings? How did they negotiate parenting
responsibilities or children’s challenging behaviors? How did they cope with emotions? And most importantly, how did they resolve
conflict? Solid research shows that
parental stress effects the welfare and mental health of children – a particularly
important point during this period of COVID causing all of us increased stress.
Parent modeling can influence for the lifetime of the child and may be passed down for generations. It is the source of the phrase “generational patterns of_______.” Fill in the blank with words like “abuse,” or “addiction,” “emotional distance.” Contrast that with works like “scholarship,” “leadership,” or “kindness.”
When parents
lack the skill to reach a healthy and lasting resolutions in life, children
know. Children are sponges absorbing how
happy parents are by something as benign as how parents ask one another to pass
the salt. And don’t think it’s all about
volume. Quiet resentments can be just as
damaging - beware the chimera of silent anger as much as explosive anger. The goal is to find true resolution of
differences and mindful ways of conduct with spouses and children that ultimately
leads to greater intimacy and thus, greater joy.
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