D*mn the Torpedos

I thought a Veteran's Day title appropriate, since parents do often feel like they're in battle when setting limits on their kids - even limits that have health implications.

I've been working with a certain young man for many years.  He's a great guy, very social with some special needs.  You couldn't find a nicer person.  His parents also - as nice as you can find.  His doctor recently told him that he needed to lose weight due to a number of medical issues - all of them with significant potential to hurt him.

Our first meeting after the MD appointment resulted in a simple but effective plan to inhibit his indulgent eating habits.  He protested mightily, but, bless his heart, he's more bluster than anything.  I told him that I too - indeed most all of us hate, HATE to have our preferred foods restricted in any way.  But as we discussed in detail the potential harm that could come to him via his obesity, he conceded.  Begrudgingly.  Very begrudgingly.

Until he left my office.  He has a long history - as many special needs kids do - of warfare with his parents/s.  Some kids are violent, a tough situation to deal with, but it's do-able.  In this case, it's exclusively verbal, thankfully.  But it wears mom down none the less.  She's understandably exhausted and, not surprisingly, ultimately succumbed to his verbal assaults and his open access to unhealthy foods on an almost daily basis resumed.

So we met again today and worked out a compromise that would allow continued social time at his favorite feeding holes - with him agreeing to brown bag his lunch and mom to supervise the pocket change he has to inhibit his access to foods that are harmful.

We'll see how this round goes.  I'm anticipating more battles, but hopefully, mom will stand strong as the onslaught of complaints, bargaining, promises (lots of promises), pleading and refusal to comply with the agreement resumes.

So, my Veteran's Day message to all parents of all kids: Stand Strong.  Stand By What You Know Is Right. You Are the Leaders of Your Family.  You Can Win This Battle.

The Mouths of Babes

We recently had guests and I observed one older sister teaching her younger sister (they were about 11 and 10) a critical lesson on how to put the socks on their 2 year old brother.  The 10 year old was struggling with the task, speaking to the boy trying to calm him down, trying to reason with him, as he was strongly resisting.  The older sister took the boy on her lap, took the socks, and quietly explained to her sister that "You just have to ignore him and put the socks on."  Simple, clean, straight forward.  And low and behold, within seconds the task was complete.  Now this girl is the eldest of 5, soon to be 6, and all the children were nicely behaved.  There was very little squabbling between them.  And this is not unique to this family or these parents.  I also know the mother's sister who has 10 (yes, you read that correctly, 10) children and they are all similarly behaved.  The parents go to great lengths to act when needed and not act when not needed - and the children learn from them.

This lesson is one that so many parents with kids - whether on the autistic spectrum, whether they have developmental disabilities or not, struggle with.  (My wife and I certainly did when our kids were young.)  I can't count the times I've seen parents - even those who've been trained on how to "ignore" - maintain an ongoing dialogue with their child explaining, rationalizing, asking, pleading and/or almost begging their children while in the midst of a "time out" or other trial of parenting.

Whether it is a of time out or getting the child to comply with a demand that has been made, the message that the parent is in control is critical.  In time out, the goal is to isolate the child, momentarily, from the social connection that he or she has with his caretaker.  Speaking to the child at any length during the time out totally undercuts its purpose. When a demand has been made, the parent must know the child and increase the likelihood that the request is reasonable and that the conditions are ripe to ensure compliance.  (How many of us ask kids to do a task knowing they are hitting the wall of hunger or fatigue that makes it quite unlikely they can comply?)

These can be very hard lessons to learn, even harder when we - and our children - have to unlearn other lessons.  But the payoff is the child and parents both learning who is in control in the family.  And that is ultimately a comforting thing for a child who has been able, through tantrumming or obstinance, be able to be in control the family.