The Importance of Mom and Dad

This is directed to those parents who are both involved in their children's lives, whether living in the same home or not, and whether the kids have developmental delays or not.  There are some basic lessons to remember:

1. Kids are sponges - they know how happy mom and dad are by how they ask one another for the salt at the dinner table.  Kids are great  gauges of a marriage.

2. Kids need, desperately, for parents to be happy, and if not happy, communicating with one another, whether married or not.  The ability to "fight to resolution" is key.  Disagreements in marriages are normal.  Disagreements in divorce are obvious.  Showing your child that you can communicate with your (ex) partner in a civil way with and all the more so with your ex, sends a profound message of safety, yes, safety to them.  (Safe in that if mom/dad can manage their strongest emotions, so can I.)

3. You've heard it before, but that's because it's true.  Don't air your dirty laundry about your ex to your kids.  Kids have to have at least an image of both parents in their head.  Badmouthing your spouse or ex to the children is just plain hurtful. 

Whenever I'm seeing a child in therapy, usually with a parent, I always check to see how the marriage is (or how the divorce is.)  The more challenges, the more the child suffers.  It's basic.  Parents fighting hurts kids.  Go to any lengths to avoid it, and to further lengths to shield your child from your differences with your (ex) partner.  It's that important for a child's emotional safety. 

What are we teaching?

At the playground with my granddaughter last week, I observed a woman (sitter? grandmother? but too old to be mom) who was caring for a 2 1/2 or so year old boy.  He was on one of those small structures that has multiple slides and stairs that all lead to a large platform upon which he was grandly sitting and ignoring her repeated demands.  She demanded him to go down the slide.  He ignored.  She demanded he come down so they could go home, that he move to accommodate my granddaughter (who he was not bothering), he ignored.  She repeated these demands over and over.  He ignored, and then I saw a smile on his face, reveling in the glory of his power to ignore the demands of his caretaker.  Curiously, the woman could have easily walked up the stairs and scooped him up and forced his compliance, but didn't.  Maybe she has a bad back?  She certainly has taught him an important lesson about what happens when demands are made of him.  Absolutely nothing.  By the time we left, he was still king of the hill.

Putting the "Early" in Early Intervention

It's a well known fact that the earlier we begin educating our children the more they learn and the better they do.  This is so much more for children with developmental disabilities who have extra challenges in their cognitive, physical and/or behavioral growth.  I was reminded of this when working with a mom who discussed how to best manage her 3 year old girl's aggressive behavior - the girl would hit mom when upset or not getting what she wanted.  Mom understood the challenge in setting limits for this child, as her tantrums would surely escalate before finding another more "adaptive" way of expression.  (Not to mention finding positive ways of engaging the child so she's less likely to seek attention by hitting.)  It's one thing to teach a 3 year old how to regulate their emotions.  It's another thing altogether to do so with a 6, 10 or 15 year old.