Standing In His Truth - A Neurotypical Sib's Strength

As with all postings, materiel changes to any descriptions of clients are made to protect their privacy.

Standing in his truth.  It's a phrase I always found a bit psychobabble-ish, so I rarely use it.  But recently, I sat with an 11 year old boy, Andy, who did so remarkably.

There was, let's say, a difference of opinion between the boy and the child's stepfather about a specific incident.  Andy, his sister Crystal, his biological mother and stepfather and  were reviewing the incident in my office, the mother, understandably, wanting to create an allegiance, a "united front" with her husband of many years.  Crystal is 15 and has high functioning autism and is often a challenge to her parents and step parents, but Andy generally stays out of the fray.  Crystal's done a lot of work on a lot of issues and, generally, is doing well.

Now I have to say, I'm overwhelmingly a fan of parents presenting a "united front" when they're dealing with their kids.  I've long held that parenting can be at risk of devolving to a game of football where the child "splits" the parents as effectively as a good offensive line can split the defense and scores a goal while parents proceed to fuss at one another about who did what when and why.  It's a very well established play that kids call upon given their highly sensitive ability to detect the potential for parental differences.  It also can, in the best of circumstances, help parents sharpen their team playing skills - which are often needed when dealing with kids.

But I'm not so sure that Andy was splitting.  This is a situation where step dad's depression has become worse we've been working in couple's therapy on the challenges that Crystal brings to the family.    Step dad's been using meds to treat his depression, but it's a hard slog, as depression can be, and additionally, Crystal's behavior is indeed a stressor.  Men, classically, can become irritable when depressed, which is what I think happened in this case.  I've seen stepdad's irritability arise in the office and he has a history of his anger flying a bit off the handle.

When reviewing the incident between Andy and stepdad, the conflict was evident and it looked like a "he said she said" situation, with Andy and step dad on either side of the line and mom wanting to support her husband.  Andy impressed me.  He related his version of the incident quietly and calmly - remarkably quietly and calmly.  Admirably, step dad did not raise his voice or try to leverage his adult role to make Andy submit.  He was calm as well, reviewing his view of the incident.  Crystal, mostly quiet sat and listened.

Andy's a typically developing kid, the classic "neurotypical" (NT) sib.  He and Crystal are shuffled back and forth between the mother's and father's home weekly.  There's very little tension between his biological parents and historically, Andy's coped well with the weekly transitions (not as much so for his Crystal), which says a lot for an 11 year old boy with an older sister on the spectrum.  Andy is the classic "opposite" of his sister.  He is well behaved, responsible about his schoolwork, doing well in scouts, active in sports.  Pretty much everything one might want in an 11 year old.  Andy has begun to participate in therapy in an extension of the family work mom and stepdad are doing with Crystal.

What impressed me the most was Andy's calm nature when he said his piece. He wasn't defensive, his story didn't waver or change as it was reviewed (and it had been reviewed a lot by the time they brought it to therapy.)  He just stated his view of what happened.  Strongly, softly.  It was quite a moment - and it left mom and step dad a bit befuddled.  Later it was step dad who walked his story back a bit, admitting that he's been on edge and struggling with his depression and how to deal with other stressors in his life.

Andy remained calm.  It was a bit of a moment, Andy showing his strength of character while mom and step dad re-evaluated what they thought was their united front.

The main thing I took from the exchange was Andy's ability to "stand in his own truth" of what happened.  Mom and stepdad will continue to work on their relationship and coping with a teenage girl on the spectrum - which can certainly be challenging to everyone.  Stepdad's come out of past depressive slumps OK before.

But Andy - won't he be a force to be reckoned with in the coming years - in very good and exciting ways.