As in all of my postings, materiel changes have been made to fictionalize the description of the person and circumstances for reasons of confidentiality.
In one of my posts about 2 1/2 years ago I discussed parent fatigue. It again comes to mind in the wake of a meeting I had recently with a great young lady, we'll call her Judy, who's about to graduate High School. Judy's a smart young lady. She's applied to and been accepted to some good colleges and has a very balanced view of the world. She doesn't date much, believing that dating's something that can be a pretty serious thing, and can lead to pretty serious things, so despite the overtures from her peers, she's keeping her social activities social, not intimate.
Among the issues Judy's struggling with as she stands on the threshold of her next chapter of life is her relationship with her mother. Mom's divorced and dad lives out of town. Mom doesn't make a lot of money - she may be underemployed, and maybe drinking too much (I've not met mom so all I can do is speculate from what Judy has observed) and often seeks out her daughter - and only child - for support. Lots of support. Mom asks Judy to help her at odd hours with chores (mom's job involves odd hours). Mom proposed to Judy going into business together to pursue an idea mom had for income. Judy demurred (quite properly, in my view.) Mom opines that Judy doesn't confide in her any more, as Judy is involved with her friends, studies, a job and the potential for an exciting future. Judy is torn between following her own life and dreams and the emotional responsibility she feels for her mom's well being.
What brought things into focus for Judy was her recent illness with one of the seasonal crud viruses that is going around. She stayed home from school and after a couple of days in bed dragged herself to the kitchen for something to eat after finally regaining her appetite . She found little in the cupboard, as usual. While mom's underemployed, she's not poor and certainly has the means to provide the basics in shelter and food. Mom no longer keeps the kitchen well stocked for a teenager.When Judy's feeling well, she'll fend for herself with whatever's in the kitchen, or use monies she gets from dad to augment the lack of food in the home. Sometimes she'll eat at the restaurant where she works, or at friends' homes. But this day, after being sick, she acutely felt the absence of mom's attention.
What Judy is coming to see is that mom's needs for Judy's attention are about mom's needs, not Judy's needs. What Judy needed that day was, in my ethnic language, a pot of chicken soup simmering on the stove or whatever the equivalent is for suburban Atlanta. (Trust me, an appetizing pot of chicken soup is an amazingly easy thing to make.) Judy reflected that when visiting her dad, also not married, there's always food available for her. She longs to live with him, but he lives out of state and she has 3 months until she graduates high school.
So what's going on here? Probably a lot, but all I know is what Judy tells me. At the very least, we have a mom who's struggling with her role of "follow through." I learned about follow through when taking golf lessons (I'm a terrible golfer.) I was taught that after hitting the ball my belt buckle should be facing where I wanted the ball to go. And boy was that good advice (but I'm still a terrible golfer.) For Judy's mom, follow through has to do with keeping the parenting hat firmly fastened on her head at least until she goes to college. Yes, that means a full fridge and some TLC when Judy's sick. It also means being there for Judy, not having Judy being there for mom. I have no other conclusions about Judy's mom, but have to wonder if the alcohol use is an issue that needs to be addressed - it could be key. But I can't address that, Judy's mom is not my client. And never having met mom, I'm in no position to draw conclusions. Judy's drawing plenty of them, however.
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