I've been working with a lovely couple on long lingering marital issues and happened upon a scenario that I've been seeing a lot of lately. One spouse (in this case the husband) makes what appears to be a controlling request, one that seems a bit micro-manage-ish that results in the partner (in this case the wife) building up lots of resentments due to the very great efforts made by her behalf of the couple and family. Being ignored, he resents her back and thus the cycle builds upon itself becoming ever more sticky.
It took a while, but ultimately we came to understand what the husband was really asking. His complaints were not as much about his semi-superficial request as much as it was a request for her to acknowledge and validate his own efforts, struggles and successes made on behalf of the family. Not really an unreasonable request.
How often is it that in the communication between couples we don't or can't take the time to understand what we're really asking, what we really mean when we make requests? And how often do we seek to understand the deeper meaning of our partner when they make a request that we find to be unnecessary or even silly?
It can be a difficult communication exercise, whether with ourselves or with our partner, but one that is well worth it and that can bypass lots of resentments. Remember, resentments can have a cancer like affect on relationships - just ask any recovering alcoholic or addict about how destructive resentments can be - they're the experts on this because failure for an addict or alcoholic in recovery so often leads to relapse. That's how pernicious resentments are. If a bit of time - even a lot of time can avoid such a destructive influence, isn't it worth it?
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Monday, June 3, 2013
Cutting Tomatoes with a Sharp Knife
We've all done it, hoping the knife is sharp enough to give us nice thin pretty slices of tomato - and then we find out that it wasn't as sharp as we hoped and our tomato has been torn up and hacked into slices that are barely recognizable as food.
I recently used that metaphor with a mom who was struggling with how to motivate (or consequence) her son who's "on the (autism) spectrum" re: his inappropriate, sometimes rude, other times oppositional verbalizations. I said that I didn't think I could offer her any suggestions she hadn't already used - he's in his teens, so she had years of practice - as has he. As a single mom who's a successful executive, she has lots of experience in motivating subordinates and understands that positive motivation is overwhelmingly more successful than consequences. And yet her ability to motivate her son was less than, uh, sharp.
So we reviewed some of the patterns she and her son have fallen into such as:
We reviewed some of the basic lessons of behavioral management of kids, particularly kids on the spectrum. The primary lesson is to keep it positive as much as possible - focus on reinforcing the appropriate behaviors before going to consequences. For many reasons, beyond the scope of this entry, it is proven by behavioral science to be much more effective than using consequences - counter intuitive as that might seem (see below). Thus, we discussed reinforcing him in church by having him taken out of the service early, before he misbehaves, and give him his preferred reinforcement (not surprisingly, electronic games.) This way he is rewarded for what he has accomplished instead of pushing him beyond what he's able to do. As he becomes accommodated to the regular reinforcement, it increases the likelihood that he'll behave better in church and the time he can sit without disruption will be able to be extended - slowly and deliberately - to the full length of the service.
Now this mom has used such methods in the past, of course. But she had not been using them in a way that kept the reinforcement "fresh" ("salient" is the word used in the professional literature) by making sure the reinforcement is actually preferred by him. She also admits she's been inconsistent in utilizing positive reinforcement.
These inconsistencies all "dull the knife" that we use to "slice the tomato" of creating an environment that is most likely to obtain behavioral compliance from kids. I always recommend to folks to be very mindful of how they are using their language to "keep it positive." Remember the management consultants who encourage managers to "catch them doing something right?" The same is true for kids whether they have DD's or not. Keep it positive when they're doing it "right" - especially when they don't seem to need it. (See my past posting on "No News is Good News Parenting.") When they're misbehaving, it is the parents' action, not the words that count. If the child's doing something inappropriate, correct it with a minimal amount of discussion. Avoid "Blah Blah Blah" parenting (think Charlie Brown's teacher who is represented in the cartoons by a trumpet's "wah wah.) Keep the negative comments to a minimum. There's plenty of time to discuss "proper behavior" later when you (the parent) are not so angry and when your child's less on the defensive.
Focus on the positive. Keep your parenting "knife" good and sharp.
I recently used that metaphor with a mom who was struggling with how to motivate (or consequence) her son who's "on the (autism) spectrum" re: his inappropriate, sometimes rude, other times oppositional verbalizations. I said that I didn't think I could offer her any suggestions she hadn't already used - he's in his teens, so she had years of practice - as has he. As a single mom who's a successful executive, she has lots of experience in motivating subordinates and understands that positive motivation is overwhelmingly more successful than consequences. And yet her ability to motivate her son was less than, uh, sharp.
So we reviewed some of the patterns she and her son have fallen into such as:
- her responding to his inappropriate and oppositional verbalizations, despite his lack of inappropriate/oppositional behavior.
- his inability, sometimes, to sit through church Sunday morning without disrupting the congregation
- his poor management of his personal hygiene (how well he brushes his teeth, how well he bathes himself etc.)
We reviewed some of the basic lessons of behavioral management of kids, particularly kids on the spectrum. The primary lesson is to keep it positive as much as possible - focus on reinforcing the appropriate behaviors before going to consequences. For many reasons, beyond the scope of this entry, it is proven by behavioral science to be much more effective than using consequences - counter intuitive as that might seem (see below). Thus, we discussed reinforcing him in church by having him taken out of the service early, before he misbehaves, and give him his preferred reinforcement (not surprisingly, electronic games.) This way he is rewarded for what he has accomplished instead of pushing him beyond what he's able to do. As he becomes accommodated to the regular reinforcement, it increases the likelihood that he'll behave better in church and the time he can sit without disruption will be able to be extended - slowly and deliberately - to the full length of the service.
Now this mom has used such methods in the past, of course. But she had not been using them in a way that kept the reinforcement "fresh" ("salient" is the word used in the professional literature) by making sure the reinforcement is actually preferred by him. She also admits she's been inconsistent in utilizing positive reinforcement.
These inconsistencies all "dull the knife" that we use to "slice the tomato" of creating an environment that is most likely to obtain behavioral compliance from kids. I always recommend to folks to be very mindful of how they are using their language to "keep it positive." Remember the management consultants who encourage managers to "catch them doing something right?" The same is true for kids whether they have DD's or not. Keep it positive when they're doing it "right" - especially when they don't seem to need it. (See my past posting on "No News is Good News Parenting.") When they're misbehaving, it is the parents' action, not the words that count. If the child's doing something inappropriate, correct it with a minimal amount of discussion. Avoid "Blah Blah Blah" parenting (think Charlie Brown's teacher who is represented in the cartoons by a trumpet's "wah wah.) Keep the negative comments to a minimum. There's plenty of time to discuss "proper behavior" later when you (the parent) are not so angry and when your child's less on the defensive.
Focus on the positive. Keep your parenting "knife" good and sharp.
Monday, May 20, 2013
No News is Good News Parenting
Most of us were raised by what I call the "no news is good news" style of parenting. This means that the kids go off to play and until a complaint or concern is raised that requires adult intervention. In this model, it is assumed that the children are playing well, interacting appropriately and learning how to resolve any conflicts that arise. And this is a reasonable approach for many, even most "NT" (neuro typical) population of children. Social interactive play for children is natural.
Kids on the autistic spectrum, however, do not necessarily know how to spontaneously interact with their peers. They will frequently isolate and avoid reciprocal social play (think of the "social reciprocity" required to play very simple "back and forth - your turn my turn" games.) They may be very rigid and demand that the play follow their rules - and only their rules, which of course leads to their peers or siblings not wanting to play with them as much. They may engage in self stimulatory behavior that does not lend itself to reciprocal interaction at all. Their language skills may interfere with reciprocal play.
This is why the "no news" method of parenting doesn't work for kids on the spectrum. These kids, as well as their siblings and their peers will benefit from a much more active and interactive method of parenting that, basically, calls for play that is closely supervised and even facilitated, meaning that the adult is playing with the children, teaching the child on the spectrum the patterns of repeated behaviors that are play. This is not really different from the play that parents and children naturally do, but will likely involve a lot more time and intensive focus. And yes adults, it means getting on the floor, staying there, and learning, again and again, the beauty of, for example "Chutes and Ladders" (a personal favorite.)
Kids on the spectrum need this coaching and help to guide and pattern the subtleties of reciprocal play. The progress may well be slow and tedious, but early patterning of age and developmentally appropriate play is a critical aspect of how children on the spectrum can learn more typical social interaction.
The tediousness of the work needed is not to be underestimated. This is the reason that families of kids on the spectrum need all the support they can get. Friends, relatives, neighbors should all be welcomed - even solicited to become involved and help play with the children - whether it is just the child on the spectrum with another adult/aide or whether that volunteer is "playing" with the child on the spectrum and other peers in order to pattern, structure, guide and troubleshoot the many potential pitfalls of reciprocal play that we so often take for granted.
So, to all of you who were raised with the "No News is Good News" model of parenting who have kids on the spectrum, my apologies.
Kids on the autistic spectrum, however, do not necessarily know how to spontaneously interact with their peers. They will frequently isolate and avoid reciprocal social play (think of the "social reciprocity" required to play very simple "back and forth - your turn my turn" games.) They may be very rigid and demand that the play follow their rules - and only their rules, which of course leads to their peers or siblings not wanting to play with them as much. They may engage in self stimulatory behavior that does not lend itself to reciprocal interaction at all. Their language skills may interfere with reciprocal play.
This is why the "no news" method of parenting doesn't work for kids on the spectrum. These kids, as well as their siblings and their peers will benefit from a much more active and interactive method of parenting that, basically, calls for play that is closely supervised and even facilitated, meaning that the adult is playing with the children, teaching the child on the spectrum the patterns of repeated behaviors that are play. This is not really different from the play that parents and children naturally do, but will likely involve a lot more time and intensive focus. And yes adults, it means getting on the floor, staying there, and learning, again and again, the beauty of, for example "Chutes and Ladders" (a personal favorite.)
Kids on the spectrum need this coaching and help to guide and pattern the subtleties of reciprocal play. The progress may well be slow and tedious, but early patterning of age and developmentally appropriate play is a critical aspect of how children on the spectrum can learn more typical social interaction.
The tediousness of the work needed is not to be underestimated. This is the reason that families of kids on the spectrum need all the support they can get. Friends, relatives, neighbors should all be welcomed - even solicited to become involved and help play with the children - whether it is just the child on the spectrum with another adult/aide or whether that volunteer is "playing" with the child on the spectrum and other peers in order to pattern, structure, guide and troubleshoot the many potential pitfalls of reciprocal play that we so often take for granted.
So, to all of you who were raised with the "No News is Good News" model of parenting who have kids on the spectrum, my apologies.
Friday, April 26, 2013
Welcome to Adulthood
Domestic violence. Child abuse - sexual, physical. Divorce (so sadly common.) Drug and alcohol addiction. Infidelity. Suicide. Every week I meet a new family that's struggling with one or more of these things. And I'll state from the outset, these are middle and upper class families - let's not kid ourselves as to how rampant these issues are in our world.
The children suffer, always. Both typical and special needs children are aware of these issues. I see an adult with DD's who's struggling with his father's abuse of 20 years ago and a typically developing teen struggling with a parent's infidelity. I found myself recently saying to one of the adolescents I work with: "welcome to adulthood." He was understandably sad that his parents had divorced. Depressed in fact, and understandably so. I didn't know what else to say. People divorce. People are sick with addiction. People make mistakes - grave and painful mistakes that effect their children for decades. And all we can do is try to cope.
Coping is tough. Easy to say - tough to accomplish. Indeed so much of what we want for our children (and selves) is to learn how to cope with the challenges in front of us. I just read and heard interviewed one of the survivors of the Boston Marathon bombing. She lost a leg. She sounded upbeat and positive. She was coping, at least for the moment she was being interviewed. She'll get support, one hopes, probably more support due to the fact that she was a victim of this particular terror. The kids and adults who live with the stressors listed at the outset of this submission however so often have much less support.
So, I'll continue to validate their pain, work on management - hopefully resolution of their anxiety and depression, their alcoholism and stress on their marriages and children. And all too often, welcome their children to adulthood.
The children suffer, always. Both typical and special needs children are aware of these issues. I see an adult with DD's who's struggling with his father's abuse of 20 years ago and a typically developing teen struggling with a parent's infidelity. I found myself recently saying to one of the adolescents I work with: "welcome to adulthood." He was understandably sad that his parents had divorced. Depressed in fact, and understandably so. I didn't know what else to say. People divorce. People are sick with addiction. People make mistakes - grave and painful mistakes that effect their children for decades. And all we can do is try to cope.
Coping is tough. Easy to say - tough to accomplish. Indeed so much of what we want for our children (and selves) is to learn how to cope with the challenges in front of us. I just read and heard interviewed one of the survivors of the Boston Marathon bombing. She lost a leg. She sounded upbeat and positive. She was coping, at least for the moment she was being interviewed. She'll get support, one hopes, probably more support due to the fact that she was a victim of this particular terror. The kids and adults who live with the stressors listed at the outset of this submission however so often have much less support.
So, I'll continue to validate their pain, work on management - hopefully resolution of their anxiety and depression, their alcoholism and stress on their marriages and children. And all too often, welcome their children to adulthood.
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Terrorism, Capitolism and "Parent Hygiene"
Whether a child has special needs or not - the issue of negotiations is a standard issue between children and parents. We want our children to advocate for themselves and have a voice, we want them to articulate and we want them to learn that if they do things they get things - also known as the "if...then" principle. "If" you do this, "then" you get that.
All of this is normal and appropriate. What we don't want is for them to get things before they do things. That's terrorism. It's terrorism (if you'll indulge the hyperbole) because if you get what you want without doing the work, the incentive to do the work is gone. Once that happens, parents lose their authority and kids KNOW when this is the case and it so often ends bad. It ends bad because a pattern develops, the dynamic repeated. And even if the dynamic isn't repeated every time, if it is repeated intermittently, it's enough to keep the child on his or her toes that "maybe this time" I'll be able to get what I want before I do the work and encourages more terrorism - let me do X and then I'll do Y.
Capitolism, on the other hand, is being paid for the job AFTER it's done. This is, admittedly, the old fashioned way, but just like lots of old fashioned things, it works. It works because, as we all know, it teaches that we have to EARN our rewards. Tried and true. The American Way.
Too often parents play catch up after negotiating with terror and realize it way too late. Thus, making sure we have good "parenting hygiene" is important. I'm allocating the phrase parental hygiene from other sources, but the point is that consistency, having a routine planned way of conducting ones parenting methodology and, hardest of all, making sure your partner and you have similar rules and styles of parenting. This is important not only for the parents, but for the kids who, after all, need - thrive - on consistency.
As the parent, you have permission to take charge. No regrets needed. And remember - cleaning up your parenting act - the sooner the better - will help everyone!
All of this is normal and appropriate. What we don't want is for them to get things before they do things. That's terrorism. It's terrorism (if you'll indulge the hyperbole) because if you get what you want without doing the work, the incentive to do the work is gone. Once that happens, parents lose their authority and kids KNOW when this is the case and it so often ends bad. It ends bad because a pattern develops, the dynamic repeated. And even if the dynamic isn't repeated every time, if it is repeated intermittently, it's enough to keep the child on his or her toes that "maybe this time" I'll be able to get what I want before I do the work and encourages more terrorism - let me do X and then I'll do Y.
Capitolism, on the other hand, is being paid for the job AFTER it's done. This is, admittedly, the old fashioned way, but just like lots of old fashioned things, it works. It works because, as we all know, it teaches that we have to EARN our rewards. Tried and true. The American Way.
Too often parents play catch up after negotiating with terror and realize it way too late. Thus, making sure we have good "parenting hygiene" is important. I'm allocating the phrase parental hygiene from other sources, but the point is that consistency, having a routine planned way of conducting ones parenting methodology and, hardest of all, making sure your partner and you have similar rules and styles of parenting. This is important not only for the parents, but for the kids who, after all, need - thrive - on consistency.
As the parent, you have permission to take charge. No regrets needed. And remember - cleaning up your parenting act - the sooner the better - will help everyone!
Thursday, February 7, 2013
S'wonderful....S'school!
Twice this week I've had wonderful experiences with our area's public schools. Those who know me know that I can be, er, um, critical, so I thought it appropriate to note these great encounters:
I had a conference with a school and parents who are concerned about their student and child who has autism. The specifics are much less important than was the openness of the school to create and implement a behavioral plan that would motivate the child in a positive way towards the goals that we had all agreed upon as important. The school was well represented by the special educators and special ed administration as well by the principal. They actively enlisted the help of other staff, confident that all the staff would be available to help. It was a joy.
The other experience was regarding a pre-school child with autism and ADHD who can have a lot of oppositionality with adults, as these kids often do. Mom showed me the daily schedule which could have been taken from a textbook on how to keep these guys on task. It had activities and academics that were clear, timed and varied throughout the day. No task lasted more than 20 minutes and transitions were a part of the curriculum. Mom said the teacher was implementing it well and that her son was doing great in the classroom, unlike the previous public school placement he was in which was much less structured and resulted in a much greater amount of his disruption. I haven't been this impressed with a pre-school intervention in 25 years. Literally.
My hats off to the schools and staff that put themselves out for the kids like this. As to the other experiences I've had....well....we'll save that for another time.
I had a conference with a school and parents who are concerned about their student and child who has autism. The specifics are much less important than was the openness of the school to create and implement a behavioral plan that would motivate the child in a positive way towards the goals that we had all agreed upon as important. The school was well represented by the special educators and special ed administration as well by the principal. They actively enlisted the help of other staff, confident that all the staff would be available to help. It was a joy.
The other experience was regarding a pre-school child with autism and ADHD who can have a lot of oppositionality with adults, as these kids often do. Mom showed me the daily schedule which could have been taken from a textbook on how to keep these guys on task. It had activities and academics that were clear, timed and varied throughout the day. No task lasted more than 20 minutes and transitions were a part of the curriculum. Mom said the teacher was implementing it well and that her son was doing great in the classroom, unlike the previous public school placement he was in which was much less structured and resulted in a much greater amount of his disruption. I haven't been this impressed with a pre-school intervention in 25 years. Literally.
My hats off to the schools and staff that put themselves out for the kids like this. As to the other experiences I've had....well....we'll save that for another time.
Monday, December 17, 2012
Aspergers/High Functioning Autism and Guns
I learned many years ago to assess gun safety in the homes after working with one very kind, nice boy who intentionally shot his stepmother in the head with a shotgun stored in her bedroom for safety. Another child found a gun in the home and killed his brother, having no intent to do so. And still a third was paralyzed from the chest down when his cousin discharged an unsecured weapon, also by accident.
Young adults with Asperger's and High Functioning Autims (HFA) often have a difficult time expressing their emotions. They also are often very pre-occupied with video games. And among the most popular are tens of millions of violently themed games with very realistic shooting of enemies, real and imagined, their realism increasing with the technology. The movies' ability to depict violence is even more striking and have broad audiences both on large and small screens. Kids, including kids with Asperger's and HFA are saturated with these increasingly realistic fictionalizations.
It is the nature of people with Asperger's and HFA to struggle with their emotions and emotional expression. It is often that they will express their emotions in action and not word. They often struggle with the skills involved to talk out their emotions which is why a significant number of them may end up tantrumming and even being violent instead of articulating their feelings as a way of discharging the emotional energy stored up. It is to this end that talk therapy, social skills groups and the like are so often recommended to individuals with Asperger's and HFA. It is also common for these folks to benefit from medications to lower their anxiety or to help organize their thoughts that can be distorted and illogical.
But not everyone in need of these services receives them. Many parents, for various reasons, do not pursue such services for their children and teens. Many people in need resist them. How, then, do they express their powerful emotions? It is not uncommon for this group of people to become depressed, and while signs of depression can include dispair that can lead to suicidal feelings, it can also lead to irritability and anger. The lack of ability to manage emotions, then, can be overpowering and the violent images (that might be normal for anyone to experience in a time of stress) can become all the more seductive, fueled by the images so rampant on our screens. Mix that with poor judgement, implusivity, social isolation and the possibility of distorted thoughts and logic and, well, you get the idea.
Parents of people with Asperger's and HFA, particularly those who are gun owners should, then, follow the basics of gun safety. The NRA advises that "dozens of gun storage devices, as well as locking devices that attach directly to the gun, are available." There is no better security than insuring that access to weapons is strictly controlled.
It seems intuitive that violent games and movies should be monitored, limited or even (gasp) not allowed to individuals who are unable to discuss and understand in detail the differences between the reality and fantasy of violent games and movies, and be able to well articulate their own emotions. This should apply to people on the Autistic spectrum as well as those who are not.
The issue of this entry is not gun ownership, but rather one of responsible gun ownership. And not just for families of children and young adults on the autistic spectrum, but families who have children or young adults who are typically developing, or families that have visitors, or anyone who might be burgled - which is everyone with a firearm.
Young adults with Asperger's and High Functioning Autims (HFA) often have a difficult time expressing their emotions. They also are often very pre-occupied with video games. And among the most popular are tens of millions of violently themed games with very realistic shooting of enemies, real and imagined, their realism increasing with the technology. The movies' ability to depict violence is even more striking and have broad audiences both on large and small screens. Kids, including kids with Asperger's and HFA are saturated with these increasingly realistic fictionalizations.
It is the nature of people with Asperger's and HFA to struggle with their emotions and emotional expression. It is often that they will express their emotions in action and not word. They often struggle with the skills involved to talk out their emotions which is why a significant number of them may end up tantrumming and even being violent instead of articulating their feelings as a way of discharging the emotional energy stored up. It is to this end that talk therapy, social skills groups and the like are so often recommended to individuals with Asperger's and HFA. It is also common for these folks to benefit from medications to lower their anxiety or to help organize their thoughts that can be distorted and illogical.
But not everyone in need of these services receives them. Many parents, for various reasons, do not pursue such services for their children and teens. Many people in need resist them. How, then, do they express their powerful emotions? It is not uncommon for this group of people to become depressed, and while signs of depression can include dispair that can lead to suicidal feelings, it can also lead to irritability and anger. The lack of ability to manage emotions, then, can be overpowering and the violent images (that might be normal for anyone to experience in a time of stress) can become all the more seductive, fueled by the images so rampant on our screens. Mix that with poor judgement, implusivity, social isolation and the possibility of distorted thoughts and logic and, well, you get the idea.
Parents of people with Asperger's and HFA, particularly those who are gun owners should, then, follow the basics of gun safety. The NRA advises that "dozens of gun storage devices, as well as locking devices that attach directly to the gun, are available." There is no better security than insuring that access to weapons is strictly controlled.
It seems intuitive that violent games and movies should be monitored, limited or even (gasp) not allowed to individuals who are unable to discuss and understand in detail the differences between the reality and fantasy of violent games and movies, and be able to well articulate their own emotions. This should apply to people on the Autistic spectrum as well as those who are not.
The issue of this entry is not gun ownership, but rather one of responsible gun ownership. And not just for families of children and young adults on the autistic spectrum, but families who have children or young adults who are typically developing, or families that have visitors, or anyone who might be burgled - which is everyone with a firearm.
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