What We Really Mean

I've been working with a lovely couple on long lingering marital issues and happened upon a scenario that I've been seeing a lot of lately.  One spouse  (in this case the husband) makes what appears to be a controlling request, one that seems a bit micro-manage-ish that results in the partner (in this case the wife) building up lots of resentments due to the very great efforts made by her behalf of the couple and family.  Being ignored, he resents her back and thus the cycle builds upon itself becoming ever more sticky.

It took a while, but ultimately we came to understand what the husband was really asking.  His complaints were not as much about his semi-superficial request as much as it was a request for her to acknowledge and validate his own efforts, struggles and successes made on behalf of the family.  Not really an unreasonable request.

How often is it that in the communication between couples we don't or can't take the time to understand what we're really asking, what we really mean when we make requests?  And how often do we seek to understand the deeper meaning of our partner when they make a request that we find to be unnecessary or even silly?

It can be a difficult communication exercise, whether with ourselves or with our partner, but one that is well worth it and that can bypass lots of resentments.  Remember, resentments can have a cancer like affect on relationships - just ask any recovering alcoholic or addict about how destructive resentments can be - they're the experts on this because failure for an addict or alcoholic in recovery so often leads to relapse.  That's how pernicious resentments are.  If a bit of time - even a lot of time can avoid such a destructive influence, isn't it worth it?