Special Needs Kids, Special Parents and Marital Stress

I've recently been made aware (again) of the challenges marriage.  It has been shown to be a myth that 80% of couples with special needs kids divorce.  Studies are mixed, some showing a slight increase, some showing no increase at all, but these numbers sidestep the issue of stress upon marriage with kids with autism and other special needs.

The fact is that kids with special needs need special parents.  I've seen many parents who have gone to acrobatic lengths to meet their child's needs, often with wonderful results.  But such efforts cannot be compared to the NT (neuro-typical) parent's driving around the region for their child's extra sports activities.  Such efforts are commendable, and stressful, but of an entirely different quality and nature than coping with the challenges special needs kids can bring. 

There's likely no need to list here what those challenges are, but on the odd chance that the reader does not have a child with special needs, or has just received a new diagnosis and is preparing, the challenges can be severe.  Children with special needs may have erratic sleep schedules impacting parents' sleep schedules; challenging behaviors such as repetitive tantrums and severe oppositionality; self injurious behavior; aggressive behaviors; high levels of hyperactivity and impulsivity; frequent destruction of property, the list is too long to complete but the cost to a marriage and household are clear. 

How does a marriage survive this?  One of the mistakes I've frequently seen is a dynamic described in the Family Systems Literature of "triangulation."  Triangulation is when a parent has an overly close relationship with a child to the exclusion of their partner.  The implications are clear.  The triangulated partner is left "out" of the decision making process.  The child's role in the family may be elevated.  All sorts of problems can result. 

In the case of a child with special needs, however, the "boundary blurring" may be about the demands the child brings the family as opposed (or in addition) to other factors for NT families.  The results to the marriage, however, can be similar.  Estrangement, emotional and the resultant physical distance from one another that, over time may or may not lead to divorce.  But it certainly leads to a lonely life for each member of the couple. 

It's a frequent yet dangerous path that can be taken.  The tougher the kid, the easier it is for the parents' to drift from one another as one (classically the mom) may be forced to spend more time with the child.  Yes, forced.  The pressures on these families is not something easily understood if one has not experience them. 

What's a couple to do?  My basic suggestions, even in the face of severe behavioral challenges are:

1. Build time in for each parent to have some alone time to regenerate.
2. Find and build supports from family, community and friends to provide some (even small) amount of time for parents to go out as a couple, even if it's for an ice cream cone after bedtime.  Small amounts of time can be jam packed with quality.
3. Be realistic about what can be accomplished for your child.  Ask the professionals involved for their views on your child's prognosis.  Such views are opinions, not predictions and not perfect, and it's proper to keep your goals set high.  But be realistic.  
4. Remember the importance of forgiveness.  Giving your spouse the benefit of the doubt can be the kindest gift of all, and the best thing for your relationship.
5. The most important in my book: communicate.  There's nothing better in a relationship than the ability to communicate honestly, particularly about the hard stuff.