As with all of my postings, materiel changes in descriptions of clients are made to protect their identity.
I'm seeing a number of kids right now who flunk my Work and Behavior assessment. It's a bit simple: Kids have two main tasks in life; Work (which for them is school) and Behavior (meaning that their behavior needs to be within the bell curve of acceptable for their family and school.) Lets look at two of them, Mike and Charlie.
Mike is a very easy kid to like. He's very smart, has a sense of humor that's great (mostly meaning he laughs at my admittedly obtuse jokes) and he cares, a lot. He lives with his mom, who's great. She's on top of everything and as a single mom deserves awards for caring for Mike and his sister so well.
It's a bit of a different situation at dad's. Dad's home is, shall we say, challenged. His girlfriend is there, on and off. Dad's sister lives there, (works part time), as does her daughter, and her daughter's 4 year old daughter. Dad openly states to Mike that his obligations to care for Mike are just that, obligations. The court order said he was in charge every other week, and he's fulfilling that obligation. Minimally. He openly states he doesn't have to like Mike, refers to Mike with a variety of epithets that aren't really fit for a family forum like this. Maybe he's trying to be funny, but he's hurting Mike. Deeply. And Mike, good kid that he is, is loyal to his dad. He's old enough that he could just stop going, but he loves his dad and is stuck on not wanting to impair that relationship further.
Mike and I have not yet had the talk that we will soon have regarding the difficulty growing up and realizing that parents are human. Sometimes painfully so, as in Mike's case. Sometimes we have to just face our parents' faults, as painful as it is.
But the issue here is assessment. Assessing Mike is a bit easy, as he's such a good kid. No behavior problems at mom's or dad's (though dad, who won't come to therapy, I'm sure would find fault with his son.) Mike flunked most of his classes this year. And that may be the best thing for my relationship with him. As I'm trying to get Mike to see that his relationship with his dad is hurtful, the reflection of that is his grades. Now as I said, Mike's a really smart guy. Last year his grades rocked. This year they tanked. I don't know what happened between last year and this year, except that he's in high school now which might be a piece of it, as the classes indeed are harder. But with the every other week custody thing (I don't usually see it working so well for the kids, but the parents get exactly what they want), and the harshness at dad's home, the semi-chaotic nature of dad's house, with his aunt coming and going, his cousin coming and going, and Mike being the back up baby sitter for the 4 year old, without warning or compensation, Mike's only response when he's at his dad's is to spend as much time in his room alone as possible. The evidence is clear: he's not able to do his schoolwork the way he needs. It's a mess. Hopefully, Mike will have the strength to take care of himself first. I'm actually optimistic.
Charlie is a different case all together. He has great grades, even as he struggles with his parents' somewhat restricted expectations of him, and he responds not so nicely. Charlie's not the sensitive artistic kid his parents, both artsy folks, really saw him becoming. His time at piano lessons was, lets say, not terribly productive. (Dad is a very accomplished pianist - when he's not doing really well in the advertising business.) Charlie would much rather be playing lacrosse, or run on the cross country team, excelling in both. Again, how to assess: behavior? Fine. Work? Not so much.
Charlie will quickly yell and scream at his parents when angry. His anger is the kind that comes from depression - irritability is a classic (and often under recognized) symptom of depression, and boy can he be irritable. It sometimes doesn't take much and he and I have been meeting to understand more of what triggers his irratibilty. Fortunately, between his medications and the Collaborative Proactive Solutions model (see my other posts and posts to come on Ross Greene's model) he's doing better. Much better, actually, and it's lovely to see.
Charlie was pleasantly easy to engage when it came to collaborative problem solving. His dad did great at adopting the strategies, (his mom's been a bit more shy at trying it) and Charlie quickly and easily engages with them when using the method. Charlie knew that his behavior at home was a problem. He just didn't feel like his parents heard him well enough, which is what Greene's model helps with so well.
Now it's not over for Charlie, I'm sure there's more challenges to come, but he knows, and his parents certainly know, that good grades are not the ballgame. He also needs to be able to manage his behavior. Mike also needs help, but it's with his work (school) not his "behavior" per se.
I often tell parents and teens that the way I assess kids is their work and their behavior. It's not a perfect model, but it sure works a lot.
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