A friend of mine told me of an interesting exchange between two elderly siblings that, I think, sheds a very interesting light on the power of sibling relationships and, by extension, the power of family dynamics.
The elder sibling, let's call him Tom, is close to his 95th birthday and is approaching that milestone in relatively good health. That be said, he is experiencing increasing short term memory loss that results in an in between status. There are some things he's able to discuss quite cogently. Other things are difficult for him due to his memory loss. His presentation is also marked by his significant hearing loss. All in all, not atypical for a 95 year old guy.
His brother Sam is 91. Sam's career was similar to his older brother's, they've not lived in the same city since the late 50's and were not particularly close as their lives led them through the roller coaster of raising children, career, retirement and after decades of marriage, the loss of their respective wives. In retirement they began to speak a bit more frequently and even vacationed with one another a few times. It was a pretty traditional sibling relationship.
Sam was recently was diagnosed with cancer. Upon receiving the diagnosis his doctor advised that at 91 he might opt for palliative care. Doing so would allow Sam time to make sure his affairs were in order and prepare for what's to come in an orderly fashion. Sam, a product of the era that listened to doctors' advice seriously, considered the recommendation while his children (wisely, I think) immediately embarked upon a search for a second opinion. The second doctor ultimately strongly encouraged treating the cancer and Sam is now in treatment.
But before that second opinion happened, Sam spoke with his almost 95 year old brother, Tom who didn't hesitate in his recommendation that the cancer be treated. Sam's daughter remarked at how quickly Sam listened to Tom's rationale which was a common sensical "Why not? What have you got to lose?" Immediately after hanging up the phone, before the second opinion with another doctor, Sam announced to his kids that he would pursue treatment. Tom said so, and that was it.
Now Tom's opinion, if I might say, was not particularly a rocket science conclusion. Sam's 91, so what indeed does he have to lose? More importantly, what was it about his older brother's comment that swung his opinion? His daughter who related the story to me was clear - Sam's decision to pursue treatment was made on his older brother's recommendation and guidance. The imploring of his 4 kids who were united in their desire for Sam to get treatment did not sway him.
It strikes me how deeply our family relationships effect us, often in ways we might not even know. Our roles as parents, our roles as children and yes, our roles as siblings. The imprinting we receive as a result of our families of origin is as deep as it is subtle. Even at the age of 91, putting medical recommendations and the pleading of children aside, it was the simple comment of an older brother that swayed Sam. Such is the power of a family system, the power of how familial roles can impact our views and decisions
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