Thursday, September 10, 2015

On being "Proactive"

Ross Greene's book The Explosive Child in which he lays out his model of Collaborative Proactive Solutions was initially known as Collaborative Problem Solving.  Due to a legal curiosity that resulted in an institution laying claim to the title Dr. Greene chose for his method of helping kids and adults solve problems, CPS became Collaborative Proactive Solutions.  But I'm not so sure that's bad as far as understanding what CPS is really about.  As much as it's a problem solving methodology, it's also a "proactive" methodology.

We live in a world where being proactive is almost antithetical to the ADHD infused impulsive life so many of us live.  Some describe such poor ability to plan and anticipate as being "spontaneous" as a way of saving face, but it rings hollow.  We may meditate, pray or do yoga, all in the name of finding our "center" our "mindfulness" or our "observing ego" in Freud's terms.  But the nature of our distracting world that peppers us with so much visual and auditory "stuff" makes it quite difficult.  Sometimes it may be trying to fit too much into too little time, aided by the often heard motto of "doing more with less" and the potential to do more with "multitasking" (I write this while eating lunch, listening to my music, answering my phone when it rings.)

For example: while running errands just prior to an appointment recently, not having made a list of what I needed at the store, I (inevitably) left the store without something I wanted to buy.  Sound familiar?

When I discuss with parents the importance of being "proactive" with their kids, it can often be an uphill battle.  So often the response to this is a question inquiring as to how CPS can help once a child has faced problems that are greater than his/her skill level can manage, the point at which bad behavior so often occurs.  And as I learned asking the same question of Dr. Greene, this is a proactive model, not a reactive model.  So when a child tantrums, melts down or misbehaves in some way, the window for proactive planning has clearly passed. What has not passed is the realization that so often the problems being faced are predictable.  Whatever triggered this behavioral problem is likely to reoccur. Planning for the next time is the focus of CPS.  It's one of those things that is simple, but not always easily grasped by parents.

I suspect one of the reasons it's hard to grasp is due to, as mentioned, our distractable world which impedes our lack of planning as parents.  What is critical when parenting a child who has behavioral challenges is remembering that the cost of planning in advance far outweighs the cost to the child without planning when the child is predictably and inevitably faced with a situation in which they don't have a collaborative solution in place to at least try to cope with the situation.  It's impossible to weigh the burden on a child who is yet again facing a situation in which expectations exceed their skills.  How many of our kids struggle with tantrums over and over, and at what cost to their sense of self? And remember, that a collaborative solution is not a solution in which the child has 100% of the responsibility to simply not repeat the behavior.  Collaboration involves spending the time with the child to understand in a much broader way the child's experience of the problems at hand - that process known as the "empathy step" of CPS.  The interested reader is referred to Greene's www.livesinthebalance.com website.

We indeed live in a time where focus, planning and being proactive is very difficult.  We also have children for whom we are responsible.  And having children is a bit of a game of chance, a bit of a Forest Gump box of chocolates. We don't know what we're going to get.  Despite that, we are obligated to give our children all we've got.  It's not too much to include the time to be proactive.