Family Dynamics and Sibling Order Counts - Even In Our 90's

A friend of mine told me of an interesting exchange between two elderly siblings that, I think, sheds a very interesting light on the power of sibling relationships and, by extension, the power of family dynamics.

The elder sibling, let's call him Tom, is close to his 95th birthday and is approaching that milestone in relatively good health.  That be said, he is experiencing increasing short term memory loss that results in an in between status.  There are some things he's able to discuss quite cogently.  Other things are difficult for him due to his memory loss.  His presentation is also marked by his significant hearing loss.  All in all, not atypical for a 95 year old guy.

His brother Sam is 91.  Sam's career was similar to his older brother's, they've not lived in the same city since the late 50's and were not particularly close as their lives led them through the roller coaster of raising children, career, retirement and after decades of marriage, the loss of their respective wives.  In retirement they began to speak a bit more frequently and even vacationed with one another a few times.  It was a pretty traditional sibling relationship.

Sam was recently was diagnosed with cancer.  Upon receiving the diagnosis his doctor advised that at 91 he might opt for palliative care.  Doing so would allow Sam time to make sure his affairs were in order and prepare for what's to come in an orderly fashion.  Sam, a product of the era that listened to doctors' advice seriously, considered the recommendation while his children (wisely, I think) immediately embarked upon a search for a second opinion.  The second doctor ultimately strongly encouraged treating the cancer and Sam is now in treatment.

But before that second opinion happened, Sam spoke with his almost 95 year old brother, Tom who didn't hesitate in his recommendation that the cancer be treated.  Sam's daughter remarked at how quickly Sam listened to Tom's rationale which was a common sensical "Why not?  What have you got to lose?" Immediately after hanging up the phone, before the second opinion with another doctor, Sam announced to his kids that he would pursue treatment.  Tom said so, and that was it.

Now Tom's opinion, if I might say, was not particularly a rocket science conclusion.  Sam's 91, so what indeed does he have to lose?  More importantly, what was it about his older brother's comment that swung his opinion?    His daughter who related the story to me was clear - Sam's decision to pursue treatment was made on his older brother's recommendation and guidance.  The imploring of his 4 kids who were united in their desire for Sam to get treatment did not sway him.

It strikes me how deeply our family relationships effect us, often in ways we might not even know.  Our roles as parents, our roles as children and yes, our roles as siblings.  The imprinting we receive as a result of our families of origin is as deep as it is subtle.  Even at the age of 91, putting medical recommendations and the pleading of children aside, it was the simple comment of an older brother that swayed Sam.  Such is the power of a family system, the power of how familial roles can impact our views and decisions

Eyes Wide Open

As with all posts in this blog, materiel changes are made to protect the identity of clients.

Jimmy's been a tough kid to work with.  When addressed he often buries his head in mom's lap or into the cushions of the couch.  His dad isn't in the picture, but mom's boyfriend, in the home for 6 years, has been a warm and beneficial presence in Jimmy's life.  He's 10 and is a classically ADHD oppositional kid at home and school.  He's bright, and as I often tell parents, "smart + ADHD = (often) a tougher kid."

He recently was suspended.  Again.  We've been using The "Collaborative and Proactive Solutions" model I've been discussing so frequently in these posts.  See elsewhere for more background on that.  The CPS model works pretty well with him, but admittedly there have been limits - mom's work doesn't allow for much flexibility, so we've not been able to meet as frequently as needed.

None the less, I struck forth with my "what's up" questioning about the difficulty he had in school upon receiving a routine homework assignment.  He was hard to reach, but I persisted and was patient, as is often required in the "drilling" process of the "empathy step" where we ask the child about the problem, trying to learn as much as possible about his experience as he tried to tunnel into the couch.

Slowly, a bit painfully, Jimmy was able to explain the latest outburst that led to this suspension.  He mentioned that "it wasn't written on the board."  Mom and I looked at one another, both of us not understanding the statement.  I asked further and he related that whenever there's to be homework in the class it's written on the board when he walks in the room so he's prepared to write it down when cued at the end of class.  That day the teacher hadn't written it down prior to the kids entering the room, so he didn't anticipate homework that day.

Mom's eyes opened wide in acknowledgement of Jimmy's description of the essence of the problem at the same time that I clarified with him that this indeed was the issue that led to his explosion. Moving to the "problem solving" stage of the process was a fairly easy, with the caveat that mom couldn't really "collaborate" on behalf of the school, but she was optimistic that she'd be able to communicate to the teacher and staff what the issue was and how they might "collaborate" with Jimmy to avoid such problems in the future.

I've seen parents' eyes open wide like this in the past when using the CPS method.  It's always a bit exciting when they see into their child's experience.  I'll be interested in hearing how Jimmy's homework issues in that class have been addressed when we next meet.