It's happened again. A couple married for 15 years comes in to see me and begins their story. Embedded in the narrative is the phrase I hate to hear. "We've known there's been problems for a long while now, but just thought we could get through it." When working with couples, these are the words I fear. .
What happens when there are problems in a relationship? We build defenses. We distance emotionally. We try (our same, tried, old and generally unsuccessful techniques) to communicate with our partner in the best way we know how. We reason. We avoid, hoping it'll go away. We express our frustration. Ultimately, we express our anger. Forcefully. Hurtfully. We set ultimatums. Which helps resolve the problem not at all. Or we can be just silent, usually in anger. Any of these poor coping styles can last for decades. All of them create ongoing hurt and emotional callousing to the hurt they are creating, callousing to the hurt of their partner and, so often, to their own hurt.
Elsewhere in these notes I've referenced the connection between hurt and anger, and these dynamics are often a part and parcel of the struggles between people who try to avoid problems they've been having for a long time. So what happens when the hurt/anger cycle goes on for years? It's such a simple question even those couples in the midst of it can answer it, no matter how deeply they may be rationalizing their remaining in a relationship in which conflict is chronically not resolved.
Remaining in such a relationship in which people distance themselves emotionally from one another on a frequent bases, in which they can't find workable, agreeable and mutual resolution to problems creates a breach that is difficult to bridge. Indeed, many in these long term chronic distant marriages are vulnerable to extra-marital affairs. Relationships in which emotional closeness, warmth and acceptance seems readily available. Which, of course, muddy the marital waters exponentially.
If I could give a new couple one piece of advice it would be to contract with one another that they will always, under every circumstance, find, create or adopt some method of conflict resolution that is acceptable to both parties. It sounds simple but it's often not and might need to be reviewed and worked on frequently. Creating relationship is hard work, a lot harder than courtship or romance. But the communication upon which creating that relationship is founded is structural cement that allows for enduring connection for a lifetime.
That couple I mentioned? One's not sure they want to continue in therapy. And the other says if they don't continue in therapy, it's all over. So, if you know somebody who's struggling in their marriage, particularly if they're young in their marriage. Tell them to not hesitate. It won't get easier than it is now.
