What Does That Mean?

 

I recall the astonishment when, as a student exploring a career in mental health, I entered counseling and was asked about a certain (now forgotten) topic: “What does that mean to you?”  It was so clear to me.  How could it not have been clear to him?  I believe myself reasonably articulate, so I couldn’t imagine what was not clear about what I had said.  I perceived a brashness in the question that caught me off guard to the point of offense.  I believed myself to have been quite precise.  Over time I’m not so sure I was. 

The question of "meaning" has stuck with me.  Finding meaning is, after all, a fundamental function of our higher brain.  It’s high on Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, not a primitive “shelter” function.  It drives us and pushes us.  It’s integral to our marriages and families.  Viktor Frankel’s seminal work Man’s Search for Meaning compels us towards understanding what things mean.  We are obligated to strive to define meaning, but it’s not always as clear as our first draft may appear. 

That search pushes us in a variety of ways, all of which I believe are healthy.  Whatever we might be talking about, whatever is on our mind may be the thing which we are attempting to clarify.  Once we do so, we might want to share with our spouse, our kids and friends the new awareness we have found.  Sharing what has meaning to us increases attachment between us and our loved ones.  And if we fear what we find, that means something too – probably something quite important.

The essence, I believe, of understanding what things mean to us is the demand it creates to articulate our beliefs, thoughts, and feelings.  That use of language, the crafting of our thoughts and emotions into words serves a critical function for us.  Language holds the ability to convey ideas with impact, strength, nuance, clarity and conviction to ourselves as well as to our intimates.  Thus, when you consider what things mean to you, it’s worth taking a moment to find the right words.  You’re not pouring concrete - you’re not married to the words.  Meaning is a lifelong evolution.  Use your friends or spouse to bounce the ideas off of.  Listen to their questions and comments.  Craft your message.  Ponder it.  Think about it.  It will mean a lot. 

 

The Unexamined Family of Origin

 

A colleague of mine posted in her office: “Parenting doesn’t come naturally.  What comes naturally you learned from your parents.  It takes work to do it differently.”  Most adults reach a point where they can objectively critique their parents’ style of parenting as well as their marital dynamics.  Socrates criticized “The unexamined life…”  We also have an obligation to examine the dynamics of our families of origin.  It is crucial for us to understand our patterns of communication and how they may reflect the imprint we received from our parents.  Without such examination, we can unknowingly influence the nature of our marriages and how we shape our children. 

How well did our parents communicate with one another?  How did they cope with the stresses, large and small, that life brings?  How did they negotiate parenting responsibilities or children’s challenging behaviors?     How did they cope with emotions?  And most importantly, how did they resolve conflict?  Solid research shows that parental stress effects the welfare and mental health of children – a particularly important point during this period of COVID causing all of us increased stress.   

Parent modeling can influence for the lifetime of the child and may be passed down for generations.  It is the source of the phrase “generational patterns of_______.”   Fill in the blank with words like “abuse,” or “addiction,” “emotional distance.” Contrast that with works like “scholarship,” “leadership,” or “kindness.”  

When parents lack the skill to reach a healthy and lasting resolutions in life, children know.  Children are sponges absorbing how happy parents are by something as benign as how parents ask one another to pass the salt.  And don’t think it’s all about volume.  Quiet resentments can be just as damaging - beware the chimera of silent anger as much as explosive anger.  The goal is to find true resolution of differences and mindful ways of conduct with spouses and children that ultimately leads to greater intimacy and thus, greater joy. 

 

The Lowest Hanging Fruit

 

The Lowest Hanging Fruit

 

This most unusual COVID period brings unheard of amounts of social isolation, worry for ourselves, our families, and the specter of quarantine in homes that seem to shrink the longer we are secluded.  These are challenges not seen in over 100 years.  It’s a perfect recipe for irritability, loneliness and sadness  - we’re hard wired for the social contact that’s dangerous right now.  The emotional cost is high, and as it affects you, it affects your loved ones.  One solution to these challenges has been documented for decades:  Aerobic exercise.  And the “lowest hanging fruit” in the exercise arena is, for most, brisk walking.  Yup, it can be that simple.

Researchers have repeatedly documented the mental health benefits of aerobic exercise.  A July 2020 Harvard article reports, “Exercise reduces levels of the body's stress hormones, such as adrenaline and cortisol. It also stimulates the production of endorphins, chemicals in the brain that are the body's natural painkillers and mood elevators.”  Please re-read that Harvard quote.  Exercise results in less stress and a better mood.   That’s a lot these days.   

If you’re now putting on your walking shoes, put this down and go.  If not, read on. 

The practice is simple: 30 minutes of aerobic exercise per day, 4 days a week to produce the benefits mentioned in the Harvard study.  The definition of “aerobic” is an elevated heart rate.  Few of us spend 30 minutes non-stop paying tennis, basketball or pumping iron, thus, they don’t check the “aerobic” box.  Running swimming or biking are the other activities that can provide us with the needed half hour – provided you have the equipment, inclination and skill.  Is it boring to you?  Plug in your favorite tunes or listen to a book, or a podcast.  Walk on a treadmill and watch a show, it doesn't matter.

Change, however, is admittedly hard.  Trying something different is a critical skill we use when confronting a problem.  Edison reportedly tried 1,000 different filaments before finding one that created the lightbulb.  That’s a lot of persistence.  So whatever excuses or rationalizations you have that get in the way of exercise, consider them to be puzzles in need of a different solution.

And if you don’t like the heat, walk in the early morning or late evening.  Unless your physician forbidding you from exercise, you’re likely eligible.  If you can’t walk briskly for 30 minutes comfortably, that’s proof that you need to work up to it. 

There’s nothing to lose trying it out for a couple of weeks, which is as long as it takes for the benefits to kick in.  And don’t forget – kids need this neurochemical support as much as anyone else.  They’ll not likely jump at the chance to just “go out for a brisk walk” so find ways to encourage them.  Walk with them, take them somewhere they can ride their bikes for a half hour.  Reinforce their participation with praise and whatever treats they like that you can live with.  It’s a challenging time.  Meet the challenge. 

 

COVID 19; It's Simple, Not Easy

I have always valued the phrase "simple but not easy."  It captures so much truth.  (As with all posts, materiel identifying information is changed to shield client privacy.)

I met with a young woman I'd not seen in about a year.  She's in college and doing well.  Quite well. She's found her area of expertise and has been excelling in it.  After we spent some time catching up and her sharing how well things were going, I inquired why she contacted me. 

She shared she had a major presentation of a paper she'd developed and spent a great deal of time.  She had  been chosen from many applicants to present at a prestigious conference.  She was in the early stages of hitting her professional stride in college, which is indeed an accomplishment.  She admitted she'd been a bit wishy washy about academics after her transition to college.  She responded by finding her bootstraps and pulling hard on them and has begun to see objective success that, with this conference, was about to put her in very good stead as her career developed. 

Her acceptance to present at this conference was a major validation of her efforts, her gifts and her accomplishments.  It's cancellation due to the CV 19 concerns that the world currently faces has deeply deflated her momentum regarding her identity as a professional. 
 
I suggested to her that she's facing a couple of things that many of us are coping with:  She's not in control of what happens, and bad things happening to good people. 

Her diligence at her academics had been totally in her control.  Even though she was surprised at being chosen to present at the conference - she had read the other submissions and found many of them to be quite impressive - she was learning that she could earn the right to be counted among the highly accomplished in her field.  Her academic gifts notwithstanding, she'd done the work.  She'd put in the hours, listened to her professors' advice as she progressed.  She was in charge and responsible, and she was enjoying that sense of authority over her subject matter and the recognition that was coming with it.  And now she's understandably struggling with the cancellation of the conference. 

She'd done all the right things, is active in her community, was raised in a loving family that has encouraged and supported her throughout her years.  She's active in her church, she volunteers.  And was confused at why something like this might happen to her. 

We discussed the realities of not being in charge and being victimized by the seeming randomness of life in this universe.  I encouraged her to consider that such is the lesson we all have to learn, sooner or later, whether dealing with a global pandemic or a fender bender.  The lessons of living life on life's terms, where we are not in control, despite our efforts, despite doing all the right things is a simple reality.  Absorbing those lessons, digesting them, integrating them into one's conscious rhythm, that's not easy, but is the task at hand.