Is there anything worse than wounding a child? There are more people than we know, those with autism, other Developmental Disabilities and those who are "neuro-typical" (NT's) who have been hurt as children and their wounds can often last forever.
A mother who struggles to escape the patterns inflicted by an emotionally and physically abusive father. A young adult with High Functioning Autism who begins to perseverate on a specific type of on-line pornography who was known to have been sexually abused in that fashion prior to being adopted. An engaging, very smart NT 14 year old now being raised by relatives who was raised for his first 10 years by drug addicted parents who now copes by "not caring about anything" except his education and friends. An adult NT woman haunted by memories of her brother's sexual abuse of her. Another adult NT woman who can barely say out loud the word "sex" due to the abuse she is terrified to articulate. Every therapist has heard these stories. And these are the very overt kinds of abuse, not even including the "sub-clinical" emotional abuse that is so difficult to measure that kids endure, particularly those with DD's who can be so very challenging to manage.
The heartbreak of these wounds is how chronic they are, how deep they are and how pervasively they can effect relationships and behaviors.
Kids with DD's are 4 to 5 times more hurt by sexual and physical abuse than NT kids, but DD kids are so often unable to self report or easily influenced to not report. While we know of over 566,000 confirmed reports of abuse in 2012, we have no good way to estimate how many of these kids have developmental disabilities (those statistics aren't recorded) and given the lack of reporting, we really can't easily estimate the number of DD kids who are abused or neglected each year. If you do want to imagine, think big.
We certainly have to look at the individuals who abuse. Having a child is such a deep responsibility, and yet so common, so easy to accomplish and so taken for granted in our society where a child born into a 2 parent household is less and less frequent. Where we know the increased risk of abuse in single parent homes, either by the primary caretaker, their partners or others is sky high. And we know that those who have been abused are more likely to repeat the pattern, forcing us to mix our disdain for the abuser and compassion for the abused.
How do we support parents who are at risk of abusing their kids, particularly those with DD kids? The social policy questions are all but unanswerable: Do subsidies for childcare or food stamps increase the rates of single parenthood? Do SSI payments to families of kids with DD's somehow "enable" them? (For the record, I don't think so, but there are lots who do.) Does it help to educate teens about birth control (teen mothers are much more likely to have kids with DD's due to a variety of factors)?
Volumes can be discussed about this topic, from the macro level of social policy to the micro level of the next client I have who is hurt. All I know is that the wounds run deep, and sometimes leave scars that interfere with the core of intimacy and can take a lifetime of coping.
Thursday, April 10, 2014
Wednesday, April 2, 2014
Let The (Blame) Games Begin! (or Past vs Future)
It goes without saying that families with kids with autism and other DD's are stressed. Really really stressed. Stressed to the point that it can challenge the marriage, challenge one's own sanity. If you have a kid with DD's, you know what I mean.
I've seen couples so burdened by this stress that they engage in an ongoing war of blame. This is true of those who remain married as well as those who are divorced. This can result in a great deal of mudslinging, particularly about what happened in the past. Past hurts and pain can reign supreme in relationships. And we tend to spend a lot of time looking at and reviewing what happened. It's a way of understanding, digesting at a deep level the course of the history.
Indeed, retrospection is a classic aspect to family and couples therapy. We examine the family of origin. What was the nature of the marriage in the family you came from? What was the balance of parental power in the family you came from? Were there unhealthy alignments between parent and child? How did the parents manage their own conflicts? Did they agree on parenting strategies? Were they close? Affectionate? How did you and your (ex) spouse meet? What drew you to one another? Is your marriage similar or different to that of your parents'? There are innumerable questions we ask in hindsight to understand what the patterns might have been that brought us to our current situation.
And yet......sometimes couples become mired down in what happened and it turns into a blame game that devolves into what seems a game to the death (hence my reference to Hunger Games.) It is cruel to do, hurtful to see and potentially devastating to children who witness it.
I admit, I've become drawn into the blame game as a therapist. Trying to sort out who did what when and to whom as a way of trying to create some clarity between the parties. It's hard work and often not successful. So recently, when observing a couple playing this most hurtful game, I considered something different. Let's look to the future. Slogging in the mud of yesterday is so often unproductive. What about considering what I plan to do tomorrow when we have a problem? What can I do to change the atmosphere of the relationship? How can I help create a new narrative in our communication style and how we resolve conflict?
Looking to the future is as important as looking at the past. We do learn from our history. We also benefit from creating a plan for change and monitoring how and whether that plan is working. Ed Koch, former mayor of New York City was famous for asking New Yorkers "How'm I doin'?" He wanted feedback both on what happened and used that to change how he conducted himself in the future. More of this kind of marital questioning is in order for those couples mired down in the blame game. Let the (future) games begin!
I've seen couples so burdened by this stress that they engage in an ongoing war of blame. This is true of those who remain married as well as those who are divorced. This can result in a great deal of mudslinging, particularly about what happened in the past. Past hurts and pain can reign supreme in relationships. And we tend to spend a lot of time looking at and reviewing what happened. It's a way of understanding, digesting at a deep level the course of the history.
Indeed, retrospection is a classic aspect to family and couples therapy. We examine the family of origin. What was the nature of the marriage in the family you came from? What was the balance of parental power in the family you came from? Were there unhealthy alignments between parent and child? How did the parents manage their own conflicts? Did they agree on parenting strategies? Were they close? Affectionate? How did you and your (ex) spouse meet? What drew you to one another? Is your marriage similar or different to that of your parents'? There are innumerable questions we ask in hindsight to understand what the patterns might have been that brought us to our current situation.
And yet......sometimes couples become mired down in what happened and it turns into a blame game that devolves into what seems a game to the death (hence my reference to Hunger Games.) It is cruel to do, hurtful to see and potentially devastating to children who witness it.
I admit, I've become drawn into the blame game as a therapist. Trying to sort out who did what when and to whom as a way of trying to create some clarity between the parties. It's hard work and often not successful. So recently, when observing a couple playing this most hurtful game, I considered something different. Let's look to the future. Slogging in the mud of yesterday is so often unproductive. What about considering what I plan to do tomorrow when we have a problem? What can I do to change the atmosphere of the relationship? How can I help create a new narrative in our communication style and how we resolve conflict?
Looking to the future is as important as looking at the past. We do learn from our history. We also benefit from creating a plan for change and monitoring how and whether that plan is working. Ed Koch, former mayor of New York City was famous for asking New Yorkers "How'm I doin'?" He wanted feedback both on what happened and used that to change how he conducted himself in the future. More of this kind of marital questioning is in order for those couples mired down in the blame game. Let the (future) games begin!
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