Role Models

Some folks are just born to do this stuff - I mean the parent stuff.  I recently met with a teenager with developmental disabilities and the father.  The teen had gotten in "trouble" at school (I use quotes as this is one of the times that I think the "trouble" the child got into was due to the school's cutting corners in addressing the child's needs) and the father impressed me.  He really impressed me.

The father's demeanor was simple.  He was an adult.  No shaming "you should have known better" statements (though there might have been room for such a comment.)  No angry outbursts (though the child's behaviors did result in an ER visit which was more noteworthy for the inconvenience - and parental concern than his medical condition, the child was fine.) No sarcasm.  No exasperation on dad's part.  Just pure, thoughtful and calm "adult."  Dad discussed, he reflected, he commented, he listened.  He maintained a calm voice and demeanor.  Dad knew who his audience was and spoke accordingly.  The result?  The teen listened.  Now I (and I dare say the parents) don't think this will be the last jam this teen gets into.  But the teen was not turned off, shamed or embarrassed.  The respect given was critical to maintaining the relationship between parent and child.  

I've seen these parents  before and it's so refreshing.  And this is hard to accomplish given the challenges that kids with autism and other DD's can present.  They're tough kids sometimes.  Some are tough most all of the time with challenging behaviors, oppositionality, impulsivity, etc etc etc.  Yet even with these challenges, the task of the parent is to remain an adult.  As has often been said, there is no scene more silly than that of a parent arguing with a child at the child's level.  That's just two kids arguing - and who wins that one? The child of course.

I learned a lot from this dad.  There are lots of moms and dads (not to mention grandparents who are stepping in for moms and dads) who really do well at maintaining their "adult" sensibilities in the midst of what can be chaos.  

For the rest of us....find these folks.  Study them.  Learn from them.  That's what I do.