Blended Families

The frequency of "blending" new families is high given our divorce rate.  Divorced people understandably want companionship and seek to re-partner with another.  After all, we are made to be companions with others - otherwise we'd all be living in caves and reproducing with spores.

When adults remarry they bring their children with them, obviously.  What's less obvious is the challenge of blending children and adults of different families together - particularly when one of the kids has a developmental difference or challenge.

The standard element in blending is the ability to form a bond.  I recall a friend of mine who worked in a cosmetic factory sharing his amazement at how they were able to mix oil and water to form a cream that didn't separate.  This is only done through chemical bonding.  Is bonding between people so much different?  We create deep, physiological bonds with one another when we marry.  Couples become "one flesh" to quote the Bible.  Infants are known to literally smell their mothers.  This is bonding.  So how do we bond with a child who is not of our making?  How does the child bond with us?

The process of "bonding" in blended families is a noble goal which is often attainable with a lot of work by all the parties involved.  And yet.....some of our kids are hard. They're hard behaviorally, emotionally, and sometimes even physically (I'll leave that to your imagination.)  So I've come to believe that some of our families can be mixed, or joined, or combined, but I'm not as sure as I once was that "blending" is going to happen.  And I think that's OK.  Accepting the reality of what is allows us to live in the present, with all the love and hopes in our heart that any other family member has. But falling short of the holy grail of "blending" is acceptable.  It is not a failure of effort or love or commitment.  It need not  be a sign of marital discord.  It might just be a sign that the needs of one of the members of the family present an unusual challenge which are not well designed for "blending."
I've come to believe that mixing, combining or joining can be just as beautiful.

So, for blended families, keep the goal of "blending" in your sights, just remember that the challenges to blending don't make what you have a failure.