The fact of the bitter divorce that leaves the parents struggling to be civil to one another in public or private isn't the issue. The fact that they are continually in court with one another really isn't the issue either. And being in court a lot requires a lot of determination, anger, bad luck and mostly lots of money, but none of those things seem to fit as a cause. I could look at the stress of mom's "family of origin" issues - that she was raised in a critical home where despite her intelligence and accomplishments she was never good enough. But I can't see how that accounts for what I think is just her unwillingness or maybe its inability to accept reality. I think mom just has not sat down to deeply consider what autism means to her son.
Mom's upcoming marriage looms broadly on her high functioning autistic son's horizon. Daniel is 12 and continues to mourn the divorce, struggles with having to shuttle between two homes, one in which dad is happily remarried and his "primary" residence where mom, who never seems happy, but always is in control, has bestowed upon Daniel the high honor of being in the wedding party at mom's upcoming nuptials. Daniel has been clear from the beginning, he doesn't want the honor. He is conflicted, about the divorce and is just trying to digest what another marriage means, what kind of relationships he'll have with new step siblings who will now to be present in both places he's forced to call home. Daniel is simply frustrated with his mother's struggles to understand his needs, and his deteriorating behavior increasingly shows it.
Daniel's autism leaves him with a finite repertoire of emotional options. On good days he has a hard time managing the demands of his daily schedule, the very expensive private school his parents agree is best for him, extra curricular activities that have been pared down so he can cope with the stress of life better. An now mom's telling him how he should feel to be a part of her wedding party. On good days - and he's had them, Daniel is able to cope pretty well, with the understanding that he needs time outs - which he's learning to self prescribe - and with the help of medications to ease his anxiety. Additional stresses leave him emotionally and behaviorally spiraling down. And that's where he's at now.
Which is not to say that mom doesn't deserve her conjugal happiness, everyone does. What mom has, and continues to find difficult is that Daniel has, well, a disability. At best, he has what Ross Greene, author of The Explosive Child describes as "lagging skills" in coping with the flood of emotions he faces with his mother's wedding. Daniel states, with some, but not perfect clarity, that he is unprepared to face the attention, the sensory flood of faces, noises, smells, activity and the attention that comes with walking down the aisle. Mom thinks he should be honored.
Dad understands Daniel's plight but is stuck between a rock and a hard place. If he encourages mom to give Daniel some room, an "out" from this role to which he should be honored to fill, he is meddling in mom's so special day. He is expressing his jealousy of mom's moving on. He is accused of trying to turn Daniel against his mother, and fostering resentment for all that she does for him day in and day out. Dad is in a no win situation.
And I? The therapist? I'm in a bit of a tight bind as well. Mom comes faithfully to our sessions with Daniel, but has a very hard time with feedback, regardless of how softly it is presented. She's declined the individual sessions offered to assist in her "coping" and increase her understanding of kids on the spectrum - she's read the booksthankyouverymuch. I've told her directly that Daniel's hesitance to participate in her wedding IS how he feels. She responds by telling him he SHOULD feel honored to participate, even though this is besides the point. If I had a nickle for how much in the world "SHOULD" be different......I fear mom's needs to save face with her family, friends and community will outweigh her ability to be sensitive to her son's needs.
One of the most important lessons a therapist learns is to "accept the client where the client is." Daniel's mom is in a place where her needs outweigh his. I have to accept it, even though I see the hurt in it. I continue to be available and suggest that she's not really getting his point of view, but that's not "where she is" right now.
As Daniel's behavior continues to deteriorate in the weeks coming up to the wedding, I can only try to support Daniel, to pry mom's resistance to seeing who Daniel actually is as opposed to who she would like him to be. I just hope the wedding doesn't end up with a major embarrassing meltdown that ends up in another round of "shoulds" for him.
Sometimes things are just sad. And hard. My heart aches for Daniel.
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