This is directed to those parents who are both involved in their children's lives, whether living in the same home or not, and whether the kids have developmental delays or not. There are some basic lessons to remember:
1. Kids are sponges - they know how happy mom and dad are by how they ask one another for the salt at the dinner table. Kids are great gauges of a marriage.
2. Kids need, desperately, for parents to be happy, and if not happy, communicating with one another, whether married or not. The ability to "fight to resolution" is key. Disagreements in marriages are normal. Disagreements in divorce are obvious. Showing your child that you can communicate with your (ex) partner in a civil way with and all the more so with your ex, sends a profound message of safety, yes, safety to them. (Safe in that if mom/dad can manage their strongest emotions, so can I.)
3. You've heard it before, but that's because it's true. Don't air your dirty laundry about your ex to your kids. Kids have to have at least an image of both parents in their head. Badmouthing your spouse or ex to the children is just plain hurtful.
Whenever I'm seeing a child in therapy, usually with a parent, I always check to see how the marriage is (or how the divorce is.) The more challenges, the more the child suffers. It's basic. Parents fighting hurts kids. Go to any lengths to avoid it, and to further lengths to shield your child from your differences with your (ex) partner. It's that important for a child's emotional safety.
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